The Divorce Expert: 86% Of People Who Divorce Remarry! Why Sex Is Causing Divorces!
- Guest
- The Divorce Expert
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 20 May 2024
- Duration
- 2:20:02
- Views
- 10.5M
KEYPOINTS
- 01
About 56% of marriages end in divorce; counting people who stay miserable for kids or money pushes failure toward ~70–75%.
James Sexton, a New York contested-divorce lawyer for the wealthy, says marrying makes meeting someone like him more likely than not. The 56% figure excludes people who consult a lawyer then stay for money or children. Stack those intact-but-miserable marriages on formal divorces and he estimates ~70–75% failure—while still admitting he gets misty-eyed at weddings.
- 02
86% of people who divorce remarry within five years, usually sure 'this time is different.'
After an expensive uncoupling, most re-enter the same legal technology quickly. He recently drafted a prenup for a man who survived one of the ugliest multi-year divorces of Sexton's 25-year career, then got engaged to a woman 30 years younger known about four months—insisting he had never felt anything like it.
- 03
Marriage is spiritual, social, and legal—and most people only understand the first two.
Religion may call it a sacrament; socially it means 'we are each other's person'; legally it confers rights few couples read. You can stage a wedding without filing paperwork, or be married with no ring. A prenup, in his framing, is two people deciding they are better economic rule-makers than politicians.
- 04
All marriages end in death or divorce, so a prenup is contingency planning—not a prediction of failure.
He compares it to life insurance: you hope not to use it, but you do not want chaos piled on grief. He has seen weddings canceled over prenup talks; more often the wealthier partner folds under 'sign or we don't marry,' which he calls a terrible start because the first negotiation already used coercion.
- 05
Love is an economy of complementary goods—not automatically a 'gold digger' scam.
A hard-charging, financially secure partner and a younger partner with energy, beauty, or talent can trade honestly. What scares him is delusion: the out-of-shape billionaire who insists the gorgeous partner loves only his personality. Honest asymmetry can be fair; self-deception about why you are chosen ends in his office.
- 06
Shockingly unfair prenup clauses can still be enforceable absent fraud, duress, or incapacity.
Courts have enforced agreements he finds repulsive—including weight-linked alimony—because adults may contract freely. Judges can call a clause disgusting and still bind the parties, so 'I didn't think they'd enforce it' is not a defense.
- 07
Sexlessness (not only affairs) drives many divorces, and causal blame is nearly impossible to reverse-engineer.
Couples narrate loops: he withdrew because she withheld sex; she withheld sex because he stopped being kind. He urges naming the change early—e.g., five times a week to once—and asking what would restore desire, even if the answer feels offensive, rather than inventing hundreds of wrong explanations.
- 08
Money fights are usually about power and secrecy, not going broke.
Money means control, opportunity, and security. Mandatory discovery lets lawyers comb books; transferring assets to thwart a spouse can be treated as fraudulent conveyance. Lottery windfalls kept secret show how fast 'our money' becomes contested once trust collapses.
- 09
Infidelity clauses rarely create fidelity and are hard to define for court.
Pinning down what counts as cheating is messy, and economic penalties do not replace relationship incentives. He notes culture is still dishonest about monogamy—echoing thinkers like Esther Perel—and many couples practice unofficial non-monogamy with don't-ask, don't-tell rather than clear agreements.
- 10
Do not assume you must marry; ask what problem marriage is supposed to solve.
Wanting a podcast invites a normal 'why?'; wanting marriage often does not. Treat marriage as optional technology: identify the problem, test whether legal status solves it, and refuse pressure that pathologizes long-term unmarried partnerships.
EXAMPLES
- 01
Prenup cut $10,000/month alimony for every 10 lb the wife gained—and a court enforced it.
Sexton's most shocking prenup. The judge allegedly found the provision disgusting yet ruled it a valid contract. He uses it to separate 'shockingly unfair' from 'illegal.'
- 02
Fastest marriage-to-exit he has seen: ~48 hours, often via annulment after a whim wedding.
Vegas-style ceremonies can cost about as much as an Elvis impersonator and a cheap license, with no cooling-off period like many firearm purchases—easy on-ramp, hard off-ramp.
- 03
Divorce violence case: husband stabbed his wife then ran her over multiple times in a hotel parking lot.
He describes a husband who lured his wife under a pretext about the children, stabbed her, and ran her over himself. High-conflict divorce is not only paperwork.
- 04
He cried recovering a client's dog more than over many money wins.
A gruff older client said he would pay anything to get the dog back; the spouse had taken it as leverage. When Sexton returned the dog, both men cried—animals' love, he says, is not about net worth or views.
- 05
Nanny affairs often seek spouse-like support without equal agency.
The nanny role can mirror a helpmate—good with kids, present, supportive—while remaining an employee. That simpler power dynamic, not proximity alone, helps explain the pattern he sees.
- 06
After a five-year nuclear divorce, a client remarried someone known four months.
Concrete proof of the 'this time it's different' blind spot behind the 86% remarriage statistic.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Frame prenups as mutual care: what would each of you need if the worst happened?
Ask beyond 'what do I keep?'—housing, childcare, career sacrifice. If the request ends the engagement, you learned something before the cake. Folding under 'sign or we don't marry' trains the couple to resolve conflict by ultimatum.
- 02
Name sexual or affection changes early, even when the truth feels personal.
One accurate painful reason beats a thousand anxious fantasies. If a desire still matters, negotiate common ground instead of drifting into sexless resentment that later looks like an affair or a sudden exit.
- 03
Assume financial transparency will be forced in divorce—hiding assets usually fails and can backfire.
Bank records and transfers get reviewed. Moves meant to thwart a spouse can be clawed back. If money already equals power in the marriage, secrecy is a relational injury before it becomes a legal one.
- 04
Hold the paradox: love is irrational because loss is certain—and that is not a reason not to love.
Sexton says it is insane to love anything that will break your heart, yet still argues for partners who cover blind spots. Use divorce statistics as sobriety, not a ban on commitment; let clear contracts handle logistics so romance does not have to.