Simple Things You Can Do to Become a Better Listener | Carolyn Coughlin | Knowledge Project Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Adults keep developing — in how they make sense of things.

  Developmental coach Carolyn Coughlin describes adult development theory as a map. Its big insight, introduced close to 60 years ago, was that people who look fully grown keep changing how they construct meaning. A child sees an angry face and asks, 'Am I in trouble?' Later, an adult asks, 'Have I hurt someone? Am I bad?' Later still: 'I wonder what's going on for that person' — no longer fused with the face. The map helps when we find ourselves, in Robert Kegan's phrase, 'in over our heads' and need to grow into our context. That growth happens better in company.

• 02

  'Have to' versus 'want to' changes the experience.

  About ten years ago, Coughlin was travelling the world during the most exciting stretch of her career while her husband, a teacher, was home with their three children. She felt torn. A friend noticed she always said 'I have to get home' or 'I need to check on the kids.' Language doesn't just express meaning; it shapes it. She felt a tightness in her body when 'have to' was coming, and deliberately switched to 'want to.' It seemed almost silly, but it changed her relationship to her role in her family and helped her tell apart what she actually wanted. Shane's version: 'I choose to.' Speaking as if you're choosing eventually becomes seeing it as a choice.

• 03

  Balance is a static scale; a mosaic shifts.

  Work-life balance implies one static, sustainable point on an old-fashioned scale. Shane notes that it's out of balance the moment you reach it. Coughlin pictures standing in the middle of a seesaw, balancing constantly with your legs. A mosaic holds health, community and family too, with pieces growing and shrinking. Rather than impose a new metaphor, she asks clients how the scale feels, then nudges. The catch: you have to step back to see a mosaic's beauty. When life is pressing, all you see is the mess.

• 04

  Watch for identity habits of language.

  Phrases like 'I am just this way,' 'I'm the sort of person who answers within five minutes,' or 'So-and-so is always like this' quietly limit us. In a dispute with a neighbour building next to her house, Coughlin caught herself saying 'I would never do that.' It reinforced an identity — transparent, other-focused — that serves her well. It also stops her standing up for herself. Shane adds that 'I'm not the type of person who…' builds an arbitrary hierarchy that separates us from others. Coughlin argues that separation severs exactly the trust that hard, unpredictable problems require.

• 05

  In complex systems, create conditions rather than force change.

  People, teams and families are complex adaptive systems. Push directly and the system pushes back, as families do when one member changes. First understand the current patterns, then nudge: family dinners create conditions for conversation. Clear the fridge of temptations, or keep light hand weights by your computer. A gym membership is a direct intervention that often fails — which is why gyms sell 12-month memberships in November and December. The people around you are conditions too, but no guarantee.

• 06

  Listening to win, to fix, and to learn.

  Listening to win means making the other person wrong: 'That's not true, you look great.' Listening to fix means taking their problem and solving it. Listening to learn means getting beneath the words and reflecting them back. When her twins fought, Coughlin would say, 'It looks like you're really upset because he's relying on you for everything — is that right?' and watch her daughter's whole body breathe out. Listening is contagious. Feeling truly seen is one of the most extraordinary experiences a person can have, and it's itself a condition for learning to listen.

• 07

  Listen for what's subject and what's object.

  Coughlin trains coaches in Kegan's subject–object theory. 'Subject' is what you're fused with — the water you swim in. 'Object' is what you can hold out and examine, like a value you can see shaping your choices. That means hearing every word or phrase and wondering what the person actually means, assuming your interpretation is probably wrong. For the body, a coach can simply ask, 'Where do you feel that?' Fifteen years ago she'd have made something up. Now she knows tension in her jaw signals stress or something she's dreading.

• 08

  Ask 'How could I be wrong?'

  It's her favourite perspective-taking habit. Most of the time we don't even consider that we might be wrong. This question assumes we are, at least about another person's view, and turns that into curiosity. Asked as a group — 'How could we be wrong?' — it works like a premortem. Seeing the world as it is also means practising discomfort and resisting the 'action urge' to escape it, like training a muscle in a safe setting.