How to Control Your Inner Voice & Increase Your Resilience | Dr. Ethan Kross

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  The inner voice is a mental Swiss Army knife

  Ethan Kross, a psychologist at the University of Michigan, defines the inner voice as the ability to silently use language to reflect on your life. It is part of verbal working memory, the system you use to rehearse a phone number or grocery list. It also lets you simulate and plan, such as rehearsing the opening of a talk, and work through problems in the background.

• 02

  Chatter is the inner voice stuck in a loop

  Chatter means turning the same negative material over and over without progress: 'what if this happens,' 'I'm such an idiot.' It soaks up limited attention, so the mind cannot solve other problems. Kross calls it transdiagnostic: fill the loop with sad thoughts and it trends toward depression; with fearful ones, toward anxiety.

• 03

  Negative emotions are functional in the right doses

  Every emotion serves a purpose when it is not too intense and does not last too long. Sadness after loss turns attention inward, slows the body and signals others to check in, which may explain why sad people reach for sad songs. Harsh self-talk can even motivate, like channeling a tough coach; the problem is getting stuck.

• 04

  Distanced self-talk changes perspective

  Kross's first line of defense is coaching himself using his own name and the pronoun 'you': 'Ethan, how are you going to handle this?' These words act like pointing at someone else, shifting you into adviser mode. People are generally better at advising others than following their own advice.

• 05

  Temporal distancing: the 2 a.m. strategy

  Every four to six weeks Kross wakes around 2 a.m. with spiraling worry. He asks, 'Ethan, how will you feel about this tomorrow morning?' or next year, or in 10 years. Remembering that it always looks better in the morning signals that distress is temporary, which turns the volume down enough to sleep. Huberman refuses to trust thoughts between 2 and 5 a.m.

• 06

  Venting alone can backfire

  Venting strengthens relationships, but if a listener only validates, you leave feeling closer with the problem unsolved, which can become co-rumination. Kross keeps a 'chatter advisory board' of people who first empathize, then help broaden perspective and problem-solve.

• 07

  Writing or talking beats just thinking it through

  Thought has no guardrails; writing and conversation impose sentence structure. In research Kross describes, people who wrote or talked about a chatter-provoking event felt better than those who only thought about it. James Pennebaker's expressive writing, 15 to 20 minutes a day for one to three days, is backed by hundreds of studies.

• 08

  Sensory 'shifters' change emotions with little effort

  About 95% of people say they listen to music to feel good, yet only 10 to 30% report using it the last time they felt anxious, angry or sad. Music, images and mutually wanted affectionate touch release stress-relieving chemicals and are relatively effortless levers. Kross's sulking daughter perked up when 'Don't Stop Believin'' came on during the drive to soccer.

• 09

  There is no single best tool

  In two large COVID-era studies, which tools helped varied enormously between people, and most used three or four a day. Kross compares emotion regulation to exercise: a varied routine works best.

• 10

  Nature restores attention and evokes awe

  A walk in a safe natural setting captures attention gently, through flowers, sounds and smells, letting depleted attention recover. Nature, like images from new telescopes or a rover on Mars, can also trigger awe, which shrinks the sense of self and with it the size of your problems.