How to Deal With High Conflict People | Bill Eddy
- Guest
- Bill Eddy
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 28 Oct 2024
- Duration
- 2:39:21
- Views
- 543.4K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
A high-conflict personality is defined by a pattern of blame
Eddy, a family lawyer, mediator and licensed clinical social worker, describes high-conflict people as preoccupied with blaming others, so conflicts escalate rather than resolve. As a hospital social worker he would fix one crisis, such as a marriage, a job or an eviction, only for the next to appear the following day. In family court he saw the same issues stuck for years in litigation that couples settled in two or three mediation sessions, because personality, not the legal question, was driving the fight.
- 02
High-conflict personalities overlap with personality disorders but aren't the same thing
Personality disorders involve a narrow, repeated range of interpersonal behavior. Eddy estimates roughly half of people with one are also high-conflict blamers. Others are self-centered without blaming, or more frustrated with themselves than with anyone else. What matters to him in practice is the pattern, not the diagnosis.
- 03
Prevalence figures come from a large NIH study from the early 2000s
Eddy cites a study by the alcoholism division of the NIH, which hasn't been repeated: narcissistic personality disorder about 6% of US adults (62% male), borderline about 6% (53% female, 47% male, which surprised clinicians), antisocial about 4% (75% male), histrionic about 2% (about 50/50) and paranoid about 4%. Borderline and narcissistic overlapped in around 38% of cases. The current DSM puts all personality disorders at about 10% of people, and that US study found 15%. He notes the numbers are 20 years old and culture may have shifted them.
- 04
Some high-conflict people look extremely reasonable
People with borderline or histrionic traits tend to be openly dramatic, but some with antisocial or narcissistic traits have spent a lifetime looking good. Eddy describes calm abusers in court explaining that they held a partner down "for her own safety" while the other party appears distraught. He notes that about 80% of people in divorce court now represent themselves, so judges often have little else to go on.
- 05
Wait a year before committing
Because these patterns emerge in close relationships, often after about six months or right after a commitment, Eddy advises against getting engaged, married or having children in the first year. Living together can actually help, since it shows how someone reacts to small irritations or a bad night's sleep. He isn't dismissing whirlwind romances that last decades, but says earlier generations usually knew their partner's family and history, while today's partners can hide much more.
- 06
High-conflict emotions are contagious and recruit negative advocates
Cluster B disorders are described clinically as dramatic, emotional and erratic. Eddy, attributing it to the amygdala, says intense fear and anger spread to listeners, so lawyers, therapists and relatives become emotionally hooked but uninformed. A demand to "destroy" the other party is a warning sign.
- 07
They seem stuck in the grieving process
Eddy's own theory, which he says awaits neuroscience, is that high-conflict people get stuck at denial and anger instead of moving through to acceptance. That's why they keep retelling past grievances to anyone who will listen. It's also why focusing on the past or on feelings tends to drag them back into the hurt.
- 08
Don't label anyone
Eddy is emphatic that you should never tell someone they're high-conflict or have a personality disorder. You might be wrong, it never motivates anyone, and it sets off their defensiveness. Use the concepts privately to adapt your own behavior. He notes that 90% or more of people are not in this group.
EXAMPLES
- 01
The congressman at baggage claim
Eddy describes a California congressman who cut a baggage line, shouted "Don't you know who I am?" and shoved an airline worker to the ground. Half the public excused it as sleep deprivation. Applying his rule that 90% of people would never do this, Eddy predicted trouble. Once elected mayor, the man was accused within about eight months of harassing women and alienating his staff, and he left office.
- 02
Sanctioned false abuse allegations
In one custody case a mother made knowingly false allegations of child sexual abuse and brought relatives and a roommate as advocates. The judge sanctioned her, ordering $110,000 in fees and costs under a statute covering knowingly false abuse allegations, after the father had spent about $40,000 on an evaluation and trial. The family yelled at the judge and were threatened with removal. She never paid, having put her assets in other people's names. Eddy stresses that he sees both true and false allegations.
- 03
Hang up, and they come back civil
An unrepresented husband kept cursing about Eddy's client. Eddy set a limit, warned he'd hang up, and did. The next morning the man called back and agreed to avoid the insults. Eddy's point is that the consequence, not the limit itself, is what changed the behavior.
- 04
Domino's 90-second reply
After two employees posted a disgusting video and the stock fell by about 10%, the CEO released a brief video saying the former employees didn't represent the company and that customers came first. The company recovered. Eddy uses it as an example of a BIFF response: brief, informative, friendly and firm.
- 05
Watch how they treat staff
Huberman says he once turned down a job because of a brief, dismissive interaction between the would-be boss and a janitor. Eddy describes an executive who posed as a taxi driver to see how job candidates treated him before their interviews.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Use the WEB method to spot patterns
Pay attention to their Words (blaming, all-or-nothing), your own Emotions (a gut sense that something is disproportionate) and their Behavior (things 90% of people would never do). Check whether the same problems appear across settings, and treat warning signs such as "never talk to my family" or a lack of any long-standing friendships seriously.
- 02
Leave without blame, gradually
Avoid a direct hit ("you do this and this") and avoid self-blame ("I'm defective"). Both feed their story. Say something neutral, like "we've grown in different directions." Exit in a few steps so they can adjust, but not so many that hopes rise. Don't go back and forth or pour out your feelings, which Eddy says can precede violence. Expect "hoovering," a switch from rage to pleading or seduction, and don't give in if you're sure it's over.
- 03
The four forget-about-its
Forget about giving them insight into themselves, focusing on the past, dwelling on emotions (ask "what do you think of this proposal?" rather than "how do you feel?") and using labels. Turn the conversation outward to options and next steps.
- 04
CARS: Connect, Analyze, Respond, Set limits
Connect with an EAR statement showing empathy, attention or respect. One of the three is often enough, and it must be genuine. Analyze by offering choices, having them write lists, or asking for a proposed solution. Respond with a BIFF message. Set limits with consequences you're ready to enforce, which Eddy calls SLIC. One worker who began greeting her difficult boss with genuine interest became the boss's favorite employee within a month.
- 05
Teach kids the four big skills
Eddy's New Ways for Families program teaches flexible thinking, managed emotions, moderate behavior and self-checking. If a child says Dad ignored their drawing, a reasonable parent helps the child manage that relationship rather than saying "your dad's a jerk," which Eddy links to parental alienation.