Protocols for Excellent Parenting & Improving Relationships of All Kinds | Dr. Becky Kennedy

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  'Sturdiness' means staying connected to yourself and someone else at once

  Kennedy, a clinical psychologist and founder of Good Inside, defines sturdy leadership as knowing your own values, wants and needs while staying connected to another person whose needs differ. She says this applies to partners, coworkers and friends as much as to children.

• 02

  Parents have two jobs: boundaries and empathy

  Most parents, she says, couldn't tell you their job description when a child hits, lies or melts down. Hers has two parts. Boundaries keep you connected to yourself and keep kids safe. Empathy and validation mean treating a child's feelings as real without condoning the behavior. The two are partners: rules without relationship breed rebellion, while empathy without boundaries leaves kids feeling unsafe.

• 03

  A boundary is what you will do, not a request

  A boundary requires nothing of the other person. 'Turn off the TV' is a request. 'If it's not off by the time I get there, I'll take the remote and turn it off' is a boundary. Applied to an intrusive in-law: 'Next time you come unannounced, I'll meet you at your car and say this time doesn't work.' Many 'my kid doesn't listen' problems, she argues, come from not setting a boundary early or firmly enough, which leaves kids to do the parent's job.

• 04

  Kids are good inside; bad behavior signals a missing skill

  When Kennedy stripped away every parenting assumption, she was left with one: kids are inherently good. They are born with every feeling and none of the skills to manage them, so behavior is feeling without skill. Punishing it is like trying to teach swimming by punishing a child for not swimming. While trained in a reward-and-timeout program, she once told a client mid-session, 'I don't believe anything I've been telling you.'

• 05

  Rewards can crowd out a child's wish to contribute

  Kennedy says children, like adults, want to be a purposeful part of the group. Paying for basics leads to teenagers who won't pick up clothes without $5. Instead, she says 'we're on the same team', assumes the most generous interpretation, and asks what would help the child remember.

• 06

  'I believe you' builds confidence

  When a child says they were picked last, replying 'it's no big deal' teaches them that others know their feelings better than they do. Kennedy's go-to sequence is: 'I'm so glad you're talking to me about this. I believe you. Tell me more.' It signals that the child's experience is real and that their big feelings don't overwhelm you. She says it works with spouses and colleagues too.

• 07

  Trauma is what happens when pain is processed alone

  Echoing Gabor Maté, Kennedy says trauma is 'what happens inside you', not the event itself. Citing Ronald Fairbairn's line that a child would rather be a sinner in a world ruled by God than live in one ruled by the devil, she explains that a child yelled at by a caregiver, then left alone, resolves it through self-blame or self-doubt. Many adults carry those patterns. The same event processed with a caring adult is very different.

• 08

  Repair starts with yourself

  Before repairing with a child, separate your identity from your behavior. Kennedy repeats 'I'm a good parent who is having a hard time' until something shifts. Without that step, apologies become a bid for the child's reassurance. A repair is something you give, not something you get, and it can be a note slipped under the door if face-to-face is too hard.

• 09

  A sturdy leader is like a pilot

  Families can end up 'walking on eggshells' around intense kids, giving in to avoid outbursts. A pilot who changes an emergency landing because a passenger is angry frightens everyone. Kennedy's 'deeply feeling kids' have huge, sometimes animalistic tantrums. They are tenacious and free of people-pleasing, but need firm boundaries to avoid becoming tyrants.