7 Things You Need to Hear Right Now

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Being kind doesn't mean being a doormat. You can have a good heart and still tell people off. That's a boundary.

  Mel says she used to confuse kindness with saying yes to everything and keeping everyone else happy while she was miserable. Covering every shift, hosting the potluck for the third weekend in a row, and always being the one who steps in isn't kindness. In her words, it's how you become 'a tired, resentful shell of a person.' The root problem, she says, is fear that people won't like you if you say no.

• 02

  Resentment and snapping are signs your boundaries are missing.

  Her warning signs: you're so 'nice' you end up snapping at the dog or crying in the front seat of your car from overwhelm. A boundary protects your energy so the kindness you do give is real, not forced.

• 03

  'You're not lazy. You only have a certain amount of energy right now and you're using it all to survive.'

  Mel calls this the best thing a therapist ever told her. When caregiving, deadlines, money stress or frightening news eat your capacity, low output isn't a character flaw. It's your energy going to survival. Calling yourself lazy on top of that is both unfair and inaccurate.

• 04

  Giving all of a small amount still counts as giving 100%.

  She borrows a line from brain coach Jim Kwik: if you only have 40% to give today and you give all 40%, you gave 100% of what you had. On a 20% day, showing up at all deserves 'a gold medal.' After a hard day she wants you to make room for compassion, not criticism.

• 05

  Beating yourself up doesn't motivate you.

  Mel's audit questions: Does criticizing myself help me feel better? Help me focus? Help me feel motivated to get through my to-do list? The answer is no every time. She frames self-criticism while you're already maxed out as 'torture,' not a strategy.

• 06

  Everyone is going through something, so be kind, and being kind proves to you that you're still you.

  Remembering that everyone is struggling, including rude people, withdrawn people and the ones smiling, makes you feel less alone and makes other people's behavior feel less personal. Small kindnesses in the middle of your own struggle signal to yourself that life 'has not taken my heart,' your values or you.

• 07

  'I'm not everything I want to be, but I'm a lot of things I wanted to be two years ago.'

  This reminder moves you from 'I'm not enough yet' to 'I'm improving, and that matters.' Once you're living in your new reality you stop giving yourself credit for getting there. Being unfinished is normal when you're building something new.

• 08

  Take nothing personally. Don't let someone else's nervous system run your day.

  Drawn from the second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz's The Four Agreements, this one is aimed at sensitive people who read into a text's tone, slow replies, cancellations or facial expressions. Mel calls sensitivity a gift that can 'ricochet back and hit you in the forehead.' Other people's moods are theirs. Let them be, and you get your power back.

• 09

  Becoming your best self comes with a lot of goodbyes, and most of them happen in the mirror.

  You can't drag your old life along 'like a busted suitcase with a wheel that's stuck.' That means saying goodbye to draining habits, people who treat you badly, situations and jobs you've outgrown, and versions of yourself that kept you small. Mel stresses that most people get this wrong: it isn't mainly about cutting people off. The biggest goodbyes are to your own mindsets and habits.

• 10

  'Keep in mind there's a clock ticking that you can't see. So love whoever loves you and enjoy your life.'

  'Later' isn't a real day on the calendar. Calling your mom, apologizing, taking the trip, writing the book and saying 'I love you' all get pushed back. This reminder is meant to make life feel urgent 'in a beautiful way,' so you stop wasting time being annoyed about things that don't matter.