How to Read Body Language to Get What You Want | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Three groups are naturally good at reading people

  Body language expert Janine Driver, who spent 17 years at the ATF and trained with law enforcement, names three groups. First, kids who were abused and had to read when a parent's mood meant a bad night. Second, people like the Secret Service, who are trained daily to look for anomalies. Third, people whose right brain takes over after a left-brain stroke. Teachers, therapists and judges, she says, aren't good at detecting deception, because nobody trains them to.

• 02

  A 'yes' plus a head touch is a nonverbal maybe

  She calls it a high-level pacifier: someone nods yes while touching the back of their head (more common in men) or lifting hair at the nape of the neck (more common in women). It signals something unspoken, like 'I just went vegan' when you suggest a steak dinner. She says the higher on the body the pacifier, the more stress it signals.

• 03

  Open the hidden file with 'Maybe I'm wrong here'

  Her 'MIW' formula, short for Maybe I'm Wrong, sounds like 'Maybe I'm wrong here, but it seems to me there's something you're uncertain about.' It invites the person to say what's behind the gesture without accusing them. She also uses it when someone breaks eye contact or covers their eyes, which she calls eye blocking.

• 04

  Always compare against someone's baseline

  A single cue means little until you know how the person normally behaves. When Gwyneth Paltrow was sued, she pressed her lips in throughout her testimony, which Driver says usually shows we dislike what we see or hear. But old interviews showed it was part of Paltrow's normal behavior, so Driver discarded it.

• 05

  Communication grows like a tree: roots, trunk, branches

  Roots are what you believe, the trunk is body language, and the branches are thought. She claims body language shows up as much as five seconds before conscious thought, which gives an observer an early read. And because the roots come first, confident gestures layered over a belief that you're a 'loser' will read as fake.

• 06

  Shoulder shrugs broadcast uncertainty

  She describes a common pattern: one employee says firmly, 'My mother's coming, I'm taking four days off,' while another asks with shoulders up by her ears. She attributes the boss's yes-to-Bob, no-to-Jane answer partly to that shrug, which mirror neurons pass on as doubt. She acknowledges a real gender double standard, but says this piece is within our control. Try saying 'Can I have the Fourth of July off?' with your shoulders raised and notice how your whole body questions the words.

• 07

  The word 'left' often signals strife

  'I left my husband,' 'I left my job,' or even a minimizing 'I just left the house' often points to a problem, she says. Hearing it before a sales pitch or meeting is a cue to pause and ask, 'Is everything okay this morning?'

• 08

  Eye contact and eye touching carry status and stress

  High-status people hold eye contact both when listening and when talking, while low-status people break it when they speak. Mel, who has ADHD, said she looks away when searching for words. Driver says touching the eye under stress is soothing and cited an fMRI finding about a nerve and dopamine. She points to Putin and to Mexico's president, who touched his inner eye while saying the US could help curb the cartels.

• 09

  Watch where belly buttons point

  She calls it 'naval intelligence': people face their belly buttons toward those they like, admire and trust. Count the belly buttons in a meeting. If half face someone else, that person may be your rival, so meet with them first. Keep your three 'power zones' open: the neck dimple, the belly button and the groin.

• 10

  Priming and embedded commands get more truth from kids

  Borrowing from hostage-negotiation mentor Jim Cavanaugh, she suggests saying 'Whether you tell me the truth or you don't, (pause) tell me the truth, I know more than you think.' Assigning a trait also helps: 'Everyone says you're a truthful person, is that true?' Getting a yes creates cognitive dissonance about lying. She claims this pushes truth-telling in 8- to 13-year-olds above 80%.