The Real Reason Boys and Men Are Quietly Giving Up & What They Need to Hear
- Guest
- Jason Wilson
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 18 Aug 2025
- Duration
- 1:13:46
- Views
- 1.3M
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Many men are losing an internal war while looking fine
Jason Wilson has mentored boys and men for 22 years at the Cave of Adullam, a martial arts mentoring program in Detroit. He says most men he knows are fighting depression, unresolved anger and childhood wounds behind a 'Superman cape' that is strangling them. If they lose that inner battle, it turns into external wars: divorce, distance from their kids, or giving everything to work and coming home with nothing left.
- 02
Boys need healing, not scaring straight
His program began as discipline-based, including scared-straight work, until he realized retraumatizing boys can't heal trauma. He shifted to a safe space that still pushes the boys but lets them share what's heavy. His line: 'You cannot defend what hasn't been disciplined.' Many fighters are 'a black belt in the dojo but a white belt in life,' able to choke someone out but unable to handle job stress or a wife's emotions calmly.
- 03
Anger is the surface; dig to the hypocenter
His 'earthquake of emotions' exercise treats anger as the visible damage at the epicenter. The real cause sits deeper. When a boy wants to fight him, he says, 'Dig deeper, Christian. It's not me.' That boy then cried about his father dying and then his grandfather. Men default to anger or silence because both look strong. Hurt, sadness, loss and even a wife saying she misses them all come out as anger.
- 04
Men use 8 crayons out of 64
His crayon analogy: men stay in the eight-crayon box and use about four, while women draw from 64. When a partner asks for violet, he only has purple. The fix is to name the hurt instead of the anger. For example, saying 'When you don't trust me with the finances, it hurts, because my father never trusted me with responsibility.'
- 05
Tired often means 'I need rest', not sleep
He reads from his book: sleep is an unconscious state, while rest is 'a conscious state of freedom from anything that wearies the soul.' Performance-based living and slogans like 'no pain, no gain' wear men out. You wouldn't send a quarterback with a torn Achilles back into the game. He calls it self-maintenance rather than self-love, because men understand maintaining things.
- 06
When worth equals work, men stop caring for themselves
If you're only valued for what you provide, why see a doctor, take a nap or ask for anything for Father's Day? He watches older couples where the wife is lively and the husband is on a walker after a lifetime of proving himself. He used to jump up from naps when his wife Nicole came home. 'I'm good, nothing's wrong' can be a warning sign, and men hugging at funerals and saying 'stay strong' teaches each other that weakness isn't manly.
- 07
The masculine male versus the comprehensive man
The masculine male hides his emotions behind a facade and is only the provider and protector, which leaves him exhausted, angry and isolated. The comprehensive man expresses emotion without fear of judgment and makes room to be a nurturer, a 'human being, not a human doing.' His example: an ex-Marine friend with severe PTSD who was helped by a Shih Tzu. Jason loves flowers for what they do for his mind, 'but test me if you want.'
- 08
Run toward what hurts most
His assignment for men: accept you're worth more than what you do, practice saying 'no' and 'not now' (the living room can be painted next month), then go deep into the childhood wounds that show up in arguments. He recommends intensive off-grid retreats. He healed his father wound at one called the Crucible. 'You're not tired of living, you're tired of not living.'
- 09
Young men are scared and lack mentors
With 20-something sons who seem to be failing to launch, he says the world tells them to 'be a man' without showing them how. Gaming or building something that doesn't pay may be the only wins they can find. Instead of criticizing, surround them with men. If dad is too busy, ask an uncle or cousin to take him to work, even if you have to pay them.
EXAMPLES
- 01
A family history of violence
His grandfather was lynched in 1936, a pain his aunts and uncles never released. His mother's first husband beat her and hit Jason's older brothers with the flat side of butcher knives. His brother Larry was murdered in 1973, and his mother told Jason that without him she would have taken her life. He cites men dying by suicide at 3.5 times the rate of women.
- 02
78% improved a letter grade without tutoring
He describes an in-house finding that over 78% of students raised their GPA by one letter grade, just by being allowed to express what was weighing on them and learning to breathe. He says it helped even boys with ADHD symptoms who couldn't sit still for two minutes.
- 03
The car in the grocery store parking lot
After 26 years of marriage, Jason expressed himself to Nicole without yelling for the first time. Later, she slammed a door after calling him 'the most emotional man I ever met.' He nearly went back to his old angry self, then decided, 'I'm not going back.' They still do intensive marriage therapy.
- 04
The friend who looked at his gun
Two days before the interview, a joyful-seeming friend told him he had considered taking his life and hadn't called because 'I know you got a lot going on.' Mel shared that men at Chris's Soul Degree retreats almost universally say they come last, and that she says about 95% of inquiries come from women.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
End the day with the four Rs
Reflect, release, reset, rest. Keep what you need to reconcile, like being sharp with your daughter. Release anything toxic, then rest. 'That's what tomorrow is for.'
- 02
Keep a childhood photo of your partner
He looks at a photo of Nicole as a child during conflict, because it's often the 8- or 10-year-old talking. He suggests wives do the same: 'Is this little Dave right now?'
- 03
Reach shut-down sons with presence
Respect their world. Lie down and read in his room without a word, or take phone-free walks. Ask yourself 'what could I live with?' before deciding to just let them be. Fathers and sons can sit knee to knee, holding hands and looking into each other's eyes. The father usually cries first.
- 04
Open the door without forcing it
Send him a reel that might strike a chord. When he opens up, listen as you would to a best friend, say little, and 'never try to change the weather' with 'it's not that bad.' When he raises a concern about the kids, validate it instead of automatically siding with them.