If Someone You Love Is Having a Hard Time, Listen to This

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Mental health isn't feeling good; it's fitting feelings that are managed well

  Clinical psychologist Dr. Lisa Damour, author of The Emotional Lives of Teenagers, says psychologists ask two questions. Do the feelings fit the circumstance, and are they managed well? Being dumped should bring sadness and maybe some bitterness. A teen who hasn't studied for tomorrow's big test should feel anxious, and its absence would be more worrying. In her words, that distress is 'proof that they work perfectly.'

• 02

  Uncomfortable has started to feel unmanageable

  She worries that too many people now treat discomfort as a sign that everything must stop. Discomfort is part of life and deserves care, but it is different from distress that needs clinical support. She also notes that psychologists treat all emotions, positive and negative, as information. If lunch with someone always leaves you feeling diminished, that's data.

• 03

  Two red flags: mood that impairs functioning, and costly coping

  Sadness is expected, but depression casts 'a pall over everything.' Anxiety is expected around danger, but not when it becomes paralyzing. The second flag is coping that comes at a price: substances, being hard on the people around you, or turning pain inward through self-criticism or self-harm.

• 04

  Costly coping persists because it works

  Her training held that people are rational actors: weed, cutting or eight hours of video games bring real relief. Mel called this the first time she'd heard anyone say it plainly, and it explains the defensiveness when you try to take the behavior away. Telling someone 'you need to stop' sets up a showdown. The better move is to stir up an internal conflict and side with the part of them that wants to be healthier.

• 05

  Adolescence runs from about 11 to the mid-20s

  Puberty is usually underway by 11, which is why psychologists start there rather than at 13. Brains are largely developed by 18–20, but under stress, good reasoning is knocked offline more easily until about 24 or 25. She pushes back on the idea that young adults have undeveloped brains: 'look at that English paper.'

• 06

  Girls tend to discuss, boys tend to distract, and both work in moderation

  She stresses big caveats: these are averages with heavy overlap, and the research has mostly studied conventional genders. Venting to a friend or shooting hoops are both healthy. Trouble comes at the extremes. Endless analysis of a text thread becomes rumination ('picking at an emotional wound'), and girls are more prone to vicarious distress. Constant distraction denies boys support and practice putting feelings into words.

• 07

  Think delay, not loss, after the pandemic

  Teenagers have two jobs, becoming more independent and spending time with friends, and lockdown blocked both. Some strong students 'cratered' without the cues of moving between classrooms. She saw more extreme derailments than ever, including eating disorders, heavy weed use and social conflict. Still, she says development is powerful and humans 'bend toward health.' Kids now back in routine mostly look like pre-2020 teens to her.

• 08

  Avoidance feeds anxiety

  She calls this one of psychology's most important findings, and one of the worst communicated. Skipping a dreaded party brings instant relief, which teaches avoidance. And because you never go, the imagined disaster stays 'sealed in amber.' She makes the case for healthy anxiety and stress. Stress is simply adapting to change, and it is pathological only when chronic or traumatic.

• 09

  Weight loss in a teen is a flag

  Teens normally gain weight and strength. Learning from eating-disorder colleagues, she says that by the time a teenager is losing weight, 'something's usually up.' Not every vegetarian develops an eating disorder, but nearly everyone who develops one drops a food category. Her test is whether the 'no sugar' kid still eats a really good cupcake. She suspects seeing thousands of ultra-thin images a day changes real behavior, though she admits it can't be proven.