The Only Dating Advice You'll Ever Need

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  You're born knowing how to love, not how to date

  Logan Ury is a Harvard-trained behavioral scientist, author of How to Not Die Alone and Director of Relationship Science at Hinge. She came to this view while filming a show about daters over 55. Dating is a skill you can improve. 'You don't wake up on your 50th birthday and know how to make a delicious French meal.' Mel says up front the episode isn't sponsored by Hinge.

• 02

  Don't blame the apps for what has always been hard

  Stanford sociologist Michael J. Rosenfeld's research shows online has been the number one way couples meet since 2017. Ury argues the pains that have always come with dating get pinned on technology: liking someone who doesn't like you back, not hearing back (ghosting before it had a name), and fear of rejection. Sex and the City showed New Yorkers struggling with dating long before the apps.

• 03

  Your filters are the bouncer at your club

  Setting a 'six feet or taller' filter without much thought removes about 86% of men, and then people wonder why the club is empty. Men do the same with harsh age cutoffs. Someone you'd click with across a bar might never show up at all. Removing every filter would be chaotic. Instead, she suggests stretching your age range a little in both directions, widening geography and letting go of the other screens.

• 04

  Too picky and too passive both cause burnout

  Most of her clients are too picky, but some are overwhelmed by incoming likes and never comment or reach out. She compares that to wanting a dream job but only answering LinkedIn messages. Getting in the driver's seat, by pursuing people and talking to them in real life, cuts burnout. A Hinge finding she cites: 56% of people aren't pursuing someone they're interested in because of fear of rejection.

• 05

  Date like a scientist

  Treat 'my type' as a hypothesis to test. A client insisted on a '5'6" skinny redhead,' and she told him he was wrong and to experiment. When clients say 'he's not really my type,' she hears 'ding ding ding,' because the type hasn't been working. Her own husband is her opposite in personality and interests, but they share a sense of humor and she admires him. For people tempted to go back to an ex, she asks: are you doing the safe thing?

• 06

  Forget the spark; look for the slow burn

  Her book chapter is bluntly titled 'F*** the Spark.' She names three myths. First, that a spark can't grow: she says only 11% of couples felt love at first sight. Second, that a spark is a good sign: some people, like her friend Archie, are just 'sparky' with everyone. Third, that a spark means the relationship is viable: she interviewed divorced couples who clung to a romantic origin story. Mel adds that sparks often signal a familiar, dysfunctional pattern.

• 07

  Three toxic dating tendencies

  Romanticizers have unrealistic expectations of relationships and want a rom-com meet-cute. Maximizers have unrealistic expectations of a partner and want a 'Frankenstein' of someone's looks, someone else's ambition and another person's family. Hesitaters have unrealistic expectations of themselves and wait until they've lost 10 pounds or landed a better job.

• 08

  Each tendency has a fix

  Romanticizers: if you're married 50 years, the day you met is 0.55% of the relationship. She also cites psychologist Renae Franiuk's research on shifting from a 'soulmate' mindset to a 'work it out' mindset. Maximizers, often tech CEOs used to having recruiters fill job descriptions, should become satisficers with high but fixed standards. Hesitaters should start before they're ready, because no one is ever 100% ready.

• 09

  Separate pet peeves from dealbreakers

  A woman who said she was 'open to anyone' then ruled out mouth-breathers. Ury never tells people to settle, but to 'double down on the things that matter' and compromise on the small annoyances.