3 SIMPLE steps to create POWERFUL changes in your life | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~4 min
- Uploaded
- 6 Oct 2022
- Duration
- 1:02:52
- Views
- 227.2K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Birthdays trigger the 'fresh start effect'
Mel recorded the first episode of her podcast for release on her 54th birthday, sitting on a hotel-room floor in a pillow fort to muffle a construction site. She describes the moment the birthday cake arrives: you stop hearing the singing, close your eyes and go inward to make a wish. She points to Wharton School research that names this the fresh start effect, a burst of intrinsic, aspirational motivation that comes when you feel handed a blank slate.
- 02
Temporal landmarks open a new 'mental accounting period'
Researchers call the triggers temporal landmarks: a date (January 1st, a birthday, a Monday), an experience (a new semester or sports season) or a physical thing (Mel's habit of buying new journals). Like an accountant closing the books on a fiscal year, a landmark separates you from your 'imperfect' past self and briefly quiets the inner judge. That's why diets and first gym visits cluster on January 1st.
- 03
Big life events are landmarks too
Births, weddings, deaths and breakups mark time and also change identity. After a painful breakup, she says, you might need a month or two of crying. Then you wake up one morning relieved it's over, stop judging yourself, and start building something better.
- 04
You don't have to wait for a date on the calendar
Her invitation is to give yourself a fresh start today. With about eight billion people on the planet, someone has already faced what you're facing, built the company you dream about or healed the relationship. That's evidence your next chapter is possible.
- 05
Step one: make a wish
Ask one question: 'What do I want the next year of my life to look like?' At 52 Mel couldn't answer it. She only knew she didn't want to stay in her current chapter, and she says that's enough. Knowing what you don't want makes it easier to remove what isn't working, and new possibilities show up.
- 06
Step two: act like the future you, whatever you feel
Don't wait to feel happy or motivated. She says even a small mood boost improves focus, energy and productivity for the rest of the day. She ties this to the research behind behavioral activation therapy, summed up as 'act like the person you want to become in the future no matter how you feel in the present moment.' Each daily action is one brick, and a year later you've paved a path.
- 07
Step three: find the proof it's possible
Treat anyone who has the relationship, career, body or friend group you want as a 'light on the path,' not someone robbing you of your light. Mel admits she used to give a friend's renovated kitchen a tight fake smile ('I love the white cabinets') while seething with jealousy. Her mindset flip is that success and happiness are unlimited, and the only thing robbing you is your excuses, fears and waiting for motivation.
- 08
You are a light for someone behind you
If you've grieved a loved one, changed careers, sold a family home, lost weight, learned to live with depression or been the first in your family to graduate from college, your experience proves to someone else that it's possible.
EXAMPLES
- 01
Mel's 52nd birthday, two years earlier
She had just been fired from her dream job and lost her daytime talk show, and her book contract was rescinded. COVID shut down her speaking business while she was responsible for payroll and health care for 15 families. People in her inner circle lied to and stole from her. College was canceled, so three anxious kids were home, and her husband Chris had just been diagnosed with long-term depression. She woke up in the bunk room at her mother-in-law's house, cried, and filmed herself.
- 02
The steps she laid out in that video
Name the feeling (lost, suspended between an old life and a new one) to tame it. Move your body to shift trapped emotion, which is why she put on an exercise tape. Do one thing that makes you happy, which for her was buying flowers. Dump your thoughts in a journal. Remind yourself 'this is temporary.' Then force yourself to dream again, because how you feel now reflects what you see in your future.
- 03
How small actions became a reinvention
Exercise, flowers, stand-up comedy specials and journaling eventually made her answer clear. She wanted to travel less, not miss her son Oakley's high school years the way she had missed her daughters', and stop falling asleep with a to-do list. She started saying no, asked for help, went to therapy with Chris and sold the Boston-area home of 26 years for a small town in southern Vermont.
- 04
Danielle's email
The day before taping, a woman named Danielle wrote that the 52nd-birthday video was the first Mel video she ever saw. She had been suicidal and had promised a friend, through a pact to call each other, that she'd give life 24 more hours. She spent those hours watching Mel's videos. Over the following year she kept 'chipping away,' and she learned that happiness is something you practice daily, not a reward for fixing everything first.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Oakley's introduction
Her 17-year-old son Oakley reluctantly introduced her. He listed four years on CNN, The 5 Second Rule, The High Five Habit and a million YouTube subscribers, then admitted he calls his mom, not his 'chillest guy ever' dad, when he needs anything.
- 02
Give up what weighs you down
Her advice to her 52-year-old self: have a good cry, get a big hug, then some tough love, with Toni Morrison's line about giving up what weighs you down. Mel rejects 'it is what it is'. She says it is what you make it.
- 03
Homework: a voice memo from your future self
Bookmark the episode for hard days. Record a voice memo as yourself a year from now, with your wish come true, describing your days in detail. Then share the episode with someone who needs it.