How to Get Confident, Beat Your Insecurities, and Overcome Fear | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Fear of speaking up is about vulnerability, and it's not just about stages

  Mel calls public speaking the number one fear. She broadens it to speaking in a work meeting, pushing back with a doctor, having a hard family conversation or being called on in class: any moment when all eyes are on you and you fear judgment. She quotes Seinfeld's joke that at a funeral, the person in the coffin is less scared than the person giving the eulogy.

• 02

  Mel started out terrified

  As a kid Mel turned bright red when called on. In law school she had coughing fits or left the room, and as a young lawyer she wore scarves to hide neck rashes in court. She says she went from that to being the most-booked female speaker on the corporate circuit, at more than 111 speeches a year for companies like Microsoft, Starbucks, JPMorgan and AT&T.

• 03

  Preparation is one of the best tools for nerves

  Mel says rehearsal doesn't remove the stakes, but it works through your resistance and builds muscle memory so other tools can work. She quotes a story about Charlie 'Bird' Parker (unsure if it's true): first you learn your instrument through decades of practice, then you forget all that and just play. Preparation is what lets you improvise and express yourself fully.

• 04

  Mistakes can make you more likable

  Mel cites the pratfall effect: imperfections can make experts seem more likable and trustworthy, unlike a 'snooty know-it-all.' The point, she says, is not getting it perfect but being willing to try.

• 05

  'Alive but not living' was the start of Michelle Poler's 100 fears

  Speaker and author Michelle Poler (Hello Fears) moved to New York, her dream city, but was stuck in her comfort zone. Hearing OneRepublic's 'I Lived,' she cried, realizing she was 'alive but not living,' and asked herself whether she was happy or merely comfortable. With her husband Adam's support she faced 100 fears in 100 days while working in advertising and doing a branding master's, editing and posting a video every night on three or four hours of sleep.

• 06

  The 'don't do it' feeling can point to growth, not danger

  Poler used to treat the tight feeling before something scary as intuition and backed away, missing opportunities. After 100 fears, she reads it as her ego guarding against rejection or embarrassment, and often a sign of growth, so she chooses growth when she feels it.

• 07

  Ask 'What's the best that can happen?' instead of 'What's the worst?'

  Poler says the worst-case question builds a brick wall of fears and focuses you on hurt feelings. Asking about the best case shows you the rewards; if they don't excite you, the fear may not be worth facing. Before a new talk that day, a follower asked her that question, and she pictured a room laughing, clapping and crying.

• 08

  Own your story instead of reciting what anyone can Google

  When Facebook asked Poler to speak on imposter syndrome, she caught herself repeating search results. She replaced them with her own experience of following a polished speaker at ESPN in 2016, feeling she had to sound more perfect, and then hearing at happy hour that her realness was a highlight for people.

• 09

  Nervousness and excitement feel the same in the body, so rename it

  Mel says both put your body on alert: blood shifts to the heart and brain and away from digestion, producing butterflies, the urge to pee, sweating and dry mouth. Those signals mean you're about to do something that matters, not that you're about to fail. Citing Harvard research on people facing interviews, speeches, debates, singing and track meets, she says telling yourself 'I'm excited' improved performance. She adds that, per UCLA's Dr. Judith Willis, staying steady keeps stress from blocking access to what you prepared.