How to Become More Confident, Influential, and Communicate Better with #1 Harvard Business Professor

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Undersharing is a bigger risk than oversharing for most people

  Dr. Leslie K. John, a Harvard Business School professor and behavioural scientist who studies honesty, disclosure, trust and regret, says the usual advice to keep things private is backwards. She describes the undersharer's life as one of missed opportunities: friendships that never blossom, colleagues who never quite trust you, romances that don't deepen. Her book is Revealing: The Underrated Power of Oversharing.

• 02

  People trust the person who reveals something bad over the person who hides

  In her studies, the majority preferred 'the devil they know' over someone who refused to answer, even when the answer was unflattering. The reason was distrust of the hider. Revealing something sensitive signals that you trust the listener not to make a fool of you, and people reciprocate that trust.

• 03

  Opening up is good business, not just good therapy

  She starts executive classes by showing how revealing slightly sensitive things makes others trust you more, which helps in negotiations and hiring. When leaders admit difficulties, she says, people don't think they're incompetent; they trust them more and want to work for them.

• 04

  Expressing feelings helps you process stress

  In an older study, preschoolers watched a mildly scary film while researchers filmed their faces and measured palm sweat. Children who showed more on their faces were physiologically calmer. By kindergarten, boys had begun holding feelings in, which she frames as cultural conditioning to be stoic.

• 05

  Being talkative is not the same as being revealing

  She calls it the 'extroversion illusion'. John describes herself as introverted but forthcoming, while one of her most extroverted best friends struggles badly with vulnerability. A useful audit: how much of your conversation with someone is feelings versus logistics?

• 06

  Secrets aren't neutral; they're an open loop in your mind

  Mel reads from page 85 of her book: the more often people think about their secrets, the more they report inauthenticity, lower relationship satisfaction and worse physical health. John says secrets keep you constantly ruminating on 'should I say it or not?'. She stresses some secrets should be kept.

• 07

  Every unspoken moment is a missed opportunity

  Her example: your boss says 'great job on the presentation' and you say 'thanks'. You could say 'You have no idea what that means. I was super anxious, I'm proud of myself, and I'd love more chances to speak.' She isn't saying voice every thought, which 'would be chaos', but notice the disclosure decisions you make by default.

• 08

  Not opening up reinforces the story that everything is on you

  Mel says a demonstration in the episode made her feel the weight of believing 'it's all up to me', a story she's working to change. John told her husband she was exhausted by daily small decisions and asked him to just decide; she mentions a friend whose Mother's Day request was to make zero decisions. Doing this well takes self-awareness.

• 09

  We weigh the wrong side of the disclosure decision

  People almost always list only the risks of revealing and the comfort of staying quiet. They rarely consider the risks of not revealing or the benefits of speaking, so the decision is badly imbalanced from the start. Her matrix forces all four onto the page.

• 10

  Leaders who reveal can destigmatise

  She points to Magic Johnson's HIV announcement at a time it was highly stigmatised; studies comparing testing before and after concluded he likely prompted about 900 additional people to get tested.