How to Communicate With Confidence & Ease (From Harvard Business School’s #1 Professor)

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Every relationship is a repeated series of conversations, so small improvements add up.

  Harvard Business School professor Alison Wood Brooks frames conversation as 'a series of tiny choices' you make in every moment. If each conversation gets a little better, your love life, parenting, friendships and work all improve. It isn't about you alone. It's 'you plus the other person and what you can build together.'

• 02

  Her framework is TALK: Topics, Asking, Levity, Kindness.

  It grew out of her years teaching negotiation at HBS and research on emotions in conversation. She notes that even people at a school with an 11% acceptance rate find conversation hard, because it's cognitively overwhelming: you're listening, processing and coming up with something to say all at once. Prepping ahead reduces that load.

• 03

  Topics: prep a few before you go.

  We spend time showering, dressing and booking the restaurant, but only about 10% of people think ahead about what to talk about. In her research, people who brainstormed possible topics for even 30 seconds had better conversations than those who didn't, even if they never used the topics. Prepping also makes hard conversations easier to start. Most days you know who you'll see, so you can personalize.

• 04

  Small talk is a launch pad, not the destination.

  Small talk isn't 'evil or bad,' just often unrewarding. Aim to climb the 'pyramid' to more tailored conversation: personal disclosure or something the other person is excited about. A good launch question: 'What are you good at that you really hate doing?'

• 05

  Asking: more and better questions, especially follow-ups.

  Our inability to understand others' perspectives is a huge barrier to connection and to resolving conflict, and questions are the antidote. In her 'never-ending follow-up questions' exercise, each question builds on the last answer. Brooks also calls it a 'gigantic red flag' if a date asks you nothing after two or three dates.

• 06

  Get credit for listening by saying what you heard out loud.

  Listening has three steps: take in their words, voice and body language; think about it; then show them you heard. Nodding and eye contact are 'Listening 101' and can be faked. 'Listening 201' is using words: 'I heard you say this, and it seemed like you feel anxious about it. Can you tell me more?' She says this is where real charisma, competence and influence come from.

• 07

  Levity is the antidote to boredom.

  Levity includes humor but also 'unfunny moments of warmth.' Conversations fail not only through conflict but often by being dull. Laughter and lightness keep people engaged.

• 08

  Admitting you don't understand can raise your status.

  Saying 'You've lost some of us. Can you back up and define this?' shows confidence, signals you'll be honest when you don't know something, and brings everyone along. Brooks reminds people with low status in a room that everyone's status shifts constantly.

• 09

  Kindness is effortful and constant, especially with people you live with.

  Being kind to the person you see every day is a 'big ask' because stress drains your resources. It means getting past self-centeredness to consider what they want to talk about. With colleagues, ask 'What are you excited about lately? How can I be helpful?'

• 10

  Interruptions aren't all bad, and nobody knows when to end a conversation.

  On-topic interruptions, like finishing each other's sentences, are engaged and fun. Off-topic interruptions that hijack the conversation give interrupting a bad name. As for endings, people are almost always dissatisfied, wanting it longer or shorter, so accept the awkwardness: 'This was great. I can't wait for the next one. Bye.'