2 Ways to Take Your Power Back When You Feel Insecure | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  A real-time dilemma: your ex-crush now likes your new friend

  Mel's daughter Kendall, 21, a college senior and aspiring singer-songwriter in Los Angeles, texted her mid-class. A fellow musician she'd hooked up with for six months (renamed 'Steve') now had a crush on a new friend, a woman who had just offered to help book Kendall's sessions and manage her music. Kendall had an 'ugly cry,' felt the friend was gorgeous, and wondered if he'd only been in it for sex because he never said such things about her.

• 02

  Parents: pause and offer connection instead of a fix

  Mel says her anxiety normally makes her jump in with solutions. This time she used her 5 Second Rule to pause, then replied 'that sucks, I hate it when the universe does that.' When Kendall asked what to make of it, Mel turned the question back: 'What do you think?' She only gave her own view after asking 'Do you want me to tell you what I'm thinking?'

• 03

  Kendall framed it as a test of her commitment to music

  She'd been manifesting devotion to her work 'above all else,' and saw two people who could help her career becoming entangled as a test of whether she'd let it pull her focus. She was trying hard to hold an abundant mindset: good for them.

• 04

  When the energy shifts, slow down and pay attention

  Mel's core advice: a change in the vibe around a person or project signals something about alignment. Making music is intimate, and it's hard to collaborate with people you have weird vibes with. She compares it to having a crush on a coworker, then learning they're secretly dating someone else at work and no longer wanting to share projects with either.

• 05

  The fork in the road: Kendall Zero versus the aligned you

  A text, a sighting or a song puts you at a crossroads. The old self goes left into negative self-talk and evidence-gathering ('I'm ugly,' 'no wonder he wants her'). The other road aligns with who you're becoming. Kendall admitted that on day one she was already having to train herself not to go there.

• 06

  Name exactly how you'd sabotage things

  Mel asked Kendall how the old her would derail it. Answer: avoid the new friend, 'pump the brakes' on that relationship, give both people the cold shoulder, refuse to collaborate and spiral into self-talk that wouldn't lift for a while. Mel said that described her own teens, 20s, 30s and sometimes 40s.

• 07

  Flip the script into 'healthy selfishness'

  Kendall decided she knew in her heart she didn't want a relationship with him; part of her only wanted him to want her. So she surrendered to reality and imagined how great it would be if two people who respect her and want to pour into her creatively loved each other. Her question became: how can I make this fun and benefit from it?

• 08

  Past pain makes faster processing possible

  Two and a half years earlier, Kendall had a far more painful, drawn-out, entangled breakup that took about a year and a half. Mel believes breakthroughs come in proportion to how painful the experience was, and that having processed that pain lets Kendall recognize the old road within an inch of it. Mel says the same about her own contentment at 53 after two brutal years she went through.

• 09

  Believing you're meant for more makes setbacks smaller

  Kendall said that during her old breakup she didn't truly believe she was put on earth to live an incredible life. Now she can 'taste' bigger things coming, so this feels like one piece of the puzzle, not the whole puzzle, and is easier to compartmentalize.

• 10

  If you keep choosing left, life eventually forces a wake-up call

  Mel says stubbornly repeating old patterns can end in a painful, shocking breakdown that makes the pattern impossible to ignore. For Kendall it was a deep betrayal; for Mel, multiple betrayals. Her plea: don't wait for your life to fall apart before inching toward something new.