Body Language Expert: 6 Psychological Tricks to Turn Awkwardness into Confidence

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Burnout isn't a badge of success

  Vanessa Van Edwards, founder of the Science of People behavior lab, says high achievers stretch their comfort zones, not their schedules, and don't compete over who's busiest. What sets them apart: they say no to difficult people more easily, enjoy the process as well as the result, and know who they are and share it.

• 02

  Track social energy and work energy separately

  Social energy is spent on conversations, pitching ideas and managing conflict; work energy goes into tasks. Smart people plan only their tasks and forget how much interactions cost them. Van Edwards gains energy from one-on-one talks and teaching, and calls herself 'allergic to small talk,' drained even by weather chat with an Uber driver. High performers assertively claim tasks that energize them and decline or box in the ones that drain them.

• 03

  Ambivalent relationships drain more than toxic ones

  Like an app running in the background, the 'kind of' friend wears you out: you consider canceling, leave tired, can't remember what you talked about and wonder if they even like you. Her exercise: list everyone in your life. Star people you'd rearrange plans for, minus-sign people you dread (fine if obligatory, just own it), and question-mark people you wouldn't miss. Pause the question marks and see if you miss them. Mel adds that you may be someone else's question mark.

• 04

  Use the Pygmalion effect with labels

  Named for the myth of a sculptor whose statue came to life, research shows that expectations tend to come true. High achievers label people positively ('You're a magician with presentations,' 'thank you for cooking, you're so good at it') and use motivating labels on themselves.

• 05

  The most liked kids liked the most people

  Van Edwards describes a study across multiple high schools and grades comparing athleticism, GPA, attractiveness and humor. The one consistent pattern: the most popular students had the longest lists of people they liked, and acknowledged everyone in the hallway, often by name. Her mission is to be 'first liker': invite people to sit with her and tell people outright that she likes them.

• 06

  Real warmth is contagious; faked warmth just falls flat

  In Dr. Barbara Wild's research, people who viewed genuine smiles had improved moods afterward, while fake smiles produced no change, though not a worse mood either. Van Edwards doesn't love 'fake it till you make it,' but says faking with genuine hope that a relationship improves is okay.

• 07

  Small mistakes make you more likable

  In a Richard Wiseman study, an actress demoing blenders at a mall was rated more likable when she spilled the smoothie than when she made it perfectly. Since nobody is perfect, polish can look like a cover-up. Van Edwards, a 'recovering awkward person,' found real connection once she admitted feeling awkward. Small vulnerabilities work too: 'I'm starving,' 'my feet are killing me.'

• 08

  Read a room by people's toes

  We angle our bodies, especially our feet, toward whoever matters most to us, so she guesses who the boss is from where toes point. Feet shifting toward the exit mean someone wants to leave. Sometimes it reveals crushes.

• 09

  Maximize the distance between your ears and shoulders

  Citing University of British Columbia research on winning athletes across genders and races, she says pride posture is universal. Hunching protects the neck, an evolutionary threat signal, which she says raises cortisol, causes dry mouth and blushing, and drops your voice into vocal fry. Mel saw her go from renowned researcher to 'middle schooler' just by turtling. Phone posture is the culprit: hold it 'up and out' before a date or presentation.

• 10

  Keep space between your arms and torso, and hands visible

  Pinned arms and crossed-arm self-hugs make you feel anxious and speak in shorter sentences; she says research links closed posture to saying no more often. Choose a chair with armrests over a slouchy couch and swivel to face whoever's speaking. In a study of leaders on video, the steeple (fingertips touching, palms apart) was rated most charismatic. Rubbing your hands signals excitement. People believe gestures over words; try saying 'three' while holding up five fingers.

• 11

  One word can change behavior

  In a study where the same game was called 'the Community Game' or 'the Wall Street Game,' Wall Street players shared about one third of profits, Community players about two thirds. In another, sprinkling achievement words like 'master,' 'win' and 'success' into instructions improved performance, doubled time on task and increased enjoyment. Her calendar blocks say 'Vanessa winning morning,' not 'writing block.'