Feeling Overwhelmed? How to Tap Into Your Power and Feel Calmer | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~4 min
- Uploaded
- 20 Mar 2023
- Duration
- 0:43:36
- Views
- 162.3K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
There are two kinds of overwhelm, and naming yours tells you what to do
Mel splits overwhelm into 'legitimate overwhelm,' where your circumstances genuinely demand more than you have, and 'lifestyle overwhelm,' a chronic, self-made state of overcommitting, never saying no and putting yourself last. The first calls for compassion and stamina; the second calls for changing how you prioritize. She asks listeners to diagnose each caller's situation alongside her.
- 02
Legitimate overwhelm is temporary, so protect your stamina rather than doing more
Kids too young for a full school day, caring for a dying parent, grief, a dissertation or a divorce are seasons, not permanent states. Mel's prescription is to accept the season, tell yourself it will pass, lower the pressure and prioritize rest, asking a partner, parents or other parents to swap time so you get an hour alone.
- 03
Lie #1: 'If I just hurry, I can fit more in'
For a caller juggling a two-year-old, a full-time job, marathon training and anxiety, Mel says this season isn't about fitting more in but accepting where she is. She hears resistance in the long list of personal-growth goals and reframes it: taking care of a small child while working is already the most important thing she could be doing.
- 04
Lie #2: 'Everything is important'
If everything is important, nothing is. Samantha's habit of giving equal weight to every task and then pushing them to tomorrow is classic lifestyle overwhelm. Mel's point is that you get to decide what matters, and genuine emergencies, such as a sick child or an empty gas tank, bubble up and get your attention anyway.
- 05
Lie #3: 'I should be doing more'
Cindy, an overachiever, feels like a failure when she can't finish an impossible daily list. Mel tells her you only need to do what needs to get done, and the rest 'doesn't matter.' Overachievers who can't sit still are most at risk, because lifestyle overwhelm robs them of reading, gardening or meeting a friend for coffee.
- 06
Lie #4: 'I can handle it all in my head'
Thinking about a task is not working on it; it becomes rumination. Mel ties this to her earlier procrastination episode, where procrastination is framed as the 'freeze' response to stress and the stress you carry is a 'stress backpack.' Things that truly matter have to land on a calendar.
- 07
Procrastination feeds lifestyle overwhelm in a vicious cycle
You freeze, push things off, beat yourself up, then feel more overwhelmed by everything you've delayed. Mel says avoidance drains far more energy than doing the task, which is why finishing a dreaded task can suddenly free up 'energetic time.'
- 08
Do hard things when your energy is highest
Mel cites psychologist Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi's work on motivation and flow and the idea of 'activation energy,' the resistance to starting. For her, exercise only happens in the morning; dragging herself to the Peloton treadmill at night takes '100 times more energy.' She admires David Goggins' discipline but doesn't want a life where she has to summon willpower for what brings her joy.
EXAMPLES
- 01
Mel recorded this while in legitimate overwhelm herself
She showed up in ripped jeans, a jog bra and a T-shirt reading 'mentally elsewhere,' about to drive to Boston for a friend's funeral where she was giving the eulogy. She uses her own day to model the framework in real time.
- 02
The blank hallway walls
Carrying laundry upstairs in her southern Vermont house the night before, she saw the freshly painted, empty hallway walls and spiraled about a family photo wall: black-and-white frames or canvas prints, and the Shutterfly account she let lapse. She found herself having a panic attack over a project six months old, then told herself it didn't matter; clean underwear for the eulogy did.
- 03
Her friend Joni
Joni was her mother's primary caregiver for the last two to three years of her mother's dementia. Mel never saw her, because all Joni could do was care for her mother, take care of herself and sleep, which Mel holds up as the clearest case of legitimate overwhelm.
- 04
The talk-show mentor's advice
Before Mel hosted a daytime talk show, 175 shows in six months, often three tapings a day four days a week at the CBS Broadcast Center, a famous former host told her it was a marathon: protect your stamina, be patient with yourself, skip dinners out, don't get sick, and tell loved ones you're going into a bunker.
- 05
Michelle paid a six-month-late credit card bill
After the procrastination episode, Michelle recognized her 'freeze mode' around money anxiety, burst into tears, paid the bill that morning and was surprised by how much time and energy she suddenly had after six months of torturing herself.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
The 20–30 minute 'million dollar morning routine' still fits a hectic life
Get up when the alarm rings, make the bed, high-five the mirror, put on exercise clothes, get some bright light (even sticking your head out a window), and move for 10–20 minutes, whether that's a walk with your toddler or a streamed workout.
- 02
Brain dump, then highlight three
Pour everything in your head onto any blank paper, even the back of a bill; optionally split it into 'important' and 'can do later.' It can run to three pages. Then highlight only the three things you must do today; Mel's were picking up her ADHD prescription, packing for Boston and writing the eulogy.
- 03
Use the rule of three and tell yourself 'it doesn't matter'
When you catch yourself adding tasks or feeling guilty for being done, remind yourself that anything outside today's three doesn't matter right now. It lowers the pressure and creates time to simply enjoy your life.
- 04
Ask 'How can I make this easy?'
For Leela, an artist who can't get back to her easel, Mel suggests choosing the time of day that suits her, paying for a class to outsource motivation, or recruiting an accountability friend who texts 'did you paint yet?' Mel herself does ice baths only because her stoic husband Chris climbs in first and shames her into it.