This Teen Cracked the Code on Anxiety and Teaches You How He Did It | Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Stress is part of life, so stop resisting it

  Answering a 17-year-old who wants a stress-free college search, Oakley, now 18 and just done with his applications, says that isn't possible and the process is arguably supposed to be stressful. Accepting stress, then stepping back to breathe, beats rewriting the same essay over and over because 'this isn't good enough.' Mel extends it to job hunts, fertility, dating and searching for purpose.

• 02

  No single outcome decides your life

  Not getting into a dream school won't stop you from getting the job or living where you want; the school you end up at is usually great, and you can transfer. The bigger cost is spending senior year worrying and missing what Oakley calls arguably the most enjoyable year of high school, so appreciate where you are now.

• 03

  Name your boundary instead of hoping people guess it

  Oakley told Mel he hears about college essays all day at school and didn't want to discuss them at home. Mel praises him for taking responsibility for the limit and suggests adults do the same: 'my weight is not up for discussion,' or 'please don't ask if I'm dating anyone.' Parents should know junior and senior year are '90% college' in a teen's head.

• 04

  Don't keep raising what someone is already anxious about

  If your son and daughter-in-law are trying for a baby, they're already thinking about it every day. Mel describes a close friend who never had children and is hurt each time her mother says it breaks her heart. If someone wants to talk about a job search or a house hunt, they'll bring it up; show love in other ways.

• 05

  Parent through your values, not through control

  On alcohol, Mel assumes every teen will experiment, so she and Chris focused on what they value most: trust, open communication and safety. Kids may try drinking with them first; there's no grounding for honesty, but lying is punished, and getting in a car with a drinking driver costs driving privileges for a year. Banning alcohol, she believes, produced sneaking, lying and binge drinking among other kids.

• 06

  During divorce, be honest without details and keep your spouse out of it

  Oakley's advice: tell kids you're unhappy, repeat that it's not their fault, take their wishes about which house to be at seriously, recognize they're grieving too, and never vent about the other parent to them.

• 07

  You usually already know when to break up

  Oakley says what holds most people back is fear of hurting the other person. An awkward hour or tears in a school hallway beat staying with someone you aren't happy with. Staying friends with an ex is possible, but only after space: no post-breakup hookups and no drunk calls, and the friendship won't look like the relationship.

• 08

  Confidence is an action, not a feeling

  Mel's definition: confidence is the willingness to try. Oakley says middle school is where confidence drops, as bodies change and kids start talking about each other; what helped him was time, realizing nobody is looking at you as closely as you are, theater, and surrounding himself with people who hype him up rather than chasing a cool crowd.