How to Stop Caring What People Think of You

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Fear of what others think is, in Mel's view, the biggest obstacle to the life you want

  Mel says it's the most common question across the 35 press interviews she'd done for The Let Them Theory, from Oprah to The Wall Street Journal. She points out how automatic it is: you pause before posting, speaking up at work or making a move to consider how someone else will react. Caring itself isn't the problem — it's a sign you're a good person — the problem is silencing yourself and using others' opinions as proof you're not good enough.

• 02

  You can never control or guarantee what another person thinks

  Mel's core argument is that no behavior can manipulate someone into a particular opinion of you, so energy spent trying is wasted and becomes a source of stress and anxiety in itself. When Chrissy suggested she could at least influence it 'by being really good', Mel pushed back: she couldn't even control what Mel would tell her daughters about their conversation afterward.

• 03

  Let Them, then Let Me

  Mel recaps the two parts. 'Let them' is for moments you feel frustrated, worried or annoyed by what others say, do or feel: let them think what they're going to think. 'Let me' reminds you that you control three things — your thoughts, your actions and how you process your feelings. Your power lives in your response, especially in acting in ways that make you proud of yourself.

• 04

  Seeking approval is conditioned in childhood

  Chrissy describes a parent who wasn't affectionate and who she felt liked to show her off; reciting words in Thai and being good earned praise, so she learned to be good for everybody. Mel notes most of us got positive attention for performing, grades or winning. That attunement is necessary when you're a dependent child, but as an adult, locating your goodness in other people's moods means you'll never feel safe.

• 05

  Self-punishment and people-pleasing feed each other

  Chrissy calls herself 'a punisher' — through diets, food, drinking and emotionally — after feeling she let people down. She rarely leaves the house because even a grocery-store interaction leaves her working overtime to make sure the other person had a good experience, then dwelling on it at home. Mel's read: her worth, happiness and pride have been handed entirely to other people's reactions, which she calls a prison.

• 06

  Children blame themselves — what Dr. Paul Conti calls attribution

  Mel brings in psychiatrist Dr. Paul Conti from an earlier episode. Without abstract thought or life experience, he explains, a child whose parent snaps at a request for a drink concludes 'it must be me' rather than 'Mom's in a bad place'. Those self-attributions carry into adulthood. He cites the English physician Winnicott's goal of raising a child who feels solidly 'good enough' to face hard things, and says that can be rebuilt later in life.

• 07

  Let Them is attribution in practice

  Mel connects Conti's idea to her tool: saying 'let them' assigns someone's bad mood or negative opinion to them rather than to your self-worth, which she calls 'the world's best boundary'. 'Let me' then attributes your power to your own thoughts, feelings and actions. Knowing your intentions, she says, is how you stop twisting yourself into knots to be 'the good daughter' or 'the good mom'.

• 08

  Two things can be true at once

  Someone can be disappointed in you and still love you; someone can misunderstand you while you remain a good person; someone can have a negative thought about you while you keep positive self-worth. Accepting that everyone, including those closest to you, will think negative things is what Mel calls liberating.

• 09

  Adults are not responsible for other adults' emotions

  Parents must help children process emotions because kids can't regulate alone, Mel says, but you're never responsible for managing another adult's feelings, no matter what you do. Exhausting yourself to make everyone happy means losing yourself.