PSYCHOLOGICAL TRICKS To Boost Your Influence, Income, and Impact TODAY! | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Charisma means signaling warmth and competence together

  Behavioral investigator Vanessa Van Edwards says research finds charisma has nothing to do with being extroverted, attractive, athletic or even intelligent. Highly charismatic people consistently signal two things: warmth (trust, likability, friendliness) and competence (capability, power, effectiveness). When both come through, the other person can quickly conclude 'I can trust you' and 'I can rely on you.'

• 02

  Under-signaling hides how good you really are

  Van Edwards draws on Dr. Susan Fiske's Princeton research: without enough warmth, people don't believe your competence. Her students are often brilliant overachievers who assume their smarts will speak for them, but if they don't send the cues, 'the world literally cannot believe them.' Mel highlights the claim that warmth and competence make up about 82% of how people evaluate you. Van Edwards says that judgment happens again on every Zoom call, email and LinkedIn profile, not just at first meeting.

• 03

  There are four types, and charisma works like a dial

  The rare sweet spot is high warmth with high competence. Her example is Oprah, who gets guests to share their darkest secrets but asks the hard questions, as in her Lance Armstrong interview. Steve Jobs is her example of high competence with almost no warmth: brilliant, but seen as cold and not a team player. People who are mostly warm are empathetic cheerleaders who give too much to be liked. The fourth group under-signals both.

• 04

  The need to be liked and the need to be right both backfire

  If you lean too warm, especially at work, your need to be liked gets in the way of your need to be respected. If you lean too competent, your need to be right gets in the way of being liked. Signs you lean competent: people call you intimidating, you fact-check people on Google mid-conversation, and you try to fix a partner's bad day when they just want you to listen.

• 05

  Awkwardness looks different in introverts and extroverts

  Van Edwards calls herself a 'recovering awkward person' and an overthinker who replays every conversation in bed at night. Introverts tend to shut down out of fear of being judged. Extroverts tend to over-talk, show off or turn into a drama queen. She says telling yourself to 'just be confident' doesn't work, so she aims to be purposeful about the cues she sends instead.

• 06

  Cues come in four forms

  Verbal cues (your words) are what people prepare most. There are also nonverbal cues (gestures, face, body), vocal cues (volume, pace, cadence, tone), which she calls the most overlooked, and 'ornaments' (jewelry, background, nails, hair, glasses). Her research also tracks 'danger zone' cues, the negative signals that undercut you.

• 07

  Up-talk makes listeners doubt you

  Ending a statement on a rising, question-like inflection shifts the listener, she says, from listening to scrutinizing. Her example is a salary ask: 'I'm really looking for a range of over $100,000?' That invites negotiation. She calls it permission-seeking behavior, more common among very warm people and among women, who are often taught early to be liked. The fix is to speak on the out-breath with a downward inflection, and to re-listen to your own voicemails.

• 08

  Gestures and words have to match

  When words and gestures conflict, she says the brain believes the gesture. Saying 'big idea' while pinching your fingers together reads as a small idea, and Mel's attempt to say 'five' while holding up three fingers felt wrong to her right away. Purposeful gestures, like holding up two fingers for 'two things,' make you seem competent and easier to remember. She stresses this isn't interpretive dance.

• 09

  Fake smiles leave people cold, so use other warmth cues

  Van Edwards cites Dr. Barbara Wild's research. Real smiles reach the upper cheeks and create crow's feet, muscles she says only about 1 in 10 people can move on purpose. People who looked at real smiles felt happier, while fake smiles had no effect. Her advice is to 'smile purposefully, not more' and to use a neutral expression or a full real smile in LinkedIn and dating photos. Another warmth cue is a slow triple nod, which she says makes the other person speak 67% longer.