How to Have the Best Sex of Your Life: Even if You Are Tired, Single… or Not in the Mood

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Great sex doesn't happen automatically; believing it should is the core myth

  Dr. Emily Morse, who has hosted Sex With Emily for almost 18 years and holds a PhD in human sexuality, says couples expect the new-relationship energy of the early days to last on its own, then quietly suffer through disappointing sex because they don't know how to ask for something different. Her mission is making sex as normal to talk about as finances or who walks the dog.

• 02

  Stress, trauma and shame are the three 'pleasure thieves'

  When listeners sent questions, the recurring blockers were shame, overthinking and not being able to ask. Dr. Emily groups them as stress, trauma and shame. On stress she is blunt: you can't live with spiked cortisol and also feel arousal; anxiety and desire cancel each other out, so sex can't be siloed from overall physical and mental health.

• 03

  Desire can be spontaneous or responsive, and neither is broken

  Her shorthand is that penis owners tend to be 'frying pans' and vulva owners 'slow cookers.' Many women aren't instantly aroused when a partner is, feel broken, acquiesce anyway, and end up in roughly seven minutes of sex built around the partner's orgasm. She says it typically takes vulva owners 20 to 40 minutes to orgasm with a partner, so foreplay is a requirement, not a nice extra.

• 04

  Most women don't orgasm from penetration alone

  Dr. Emily says only about 20% of vulva owners orgasm through penetration; the most sensitive tissue is external. She also notes the clitoral network is now described as having around 12,000 nerve endings, up from the 8,000 she quoted for 20 years, which she contrasts with about 4,000 in a circumcised penis. She blames the gap on women's bodies being understudied and on sex education, noting only about 17 US states require it to be medically accurate.

• 05

  Solo sex is the foundation, not a substitute

  She calls masturbation solo sex and the 'most primary relationship': it builds the owner's manual you later share with a partner. Waiting for a partner hands away your power, because you are responsible for your own pleasure. It also counters shame and the negative body talk that keeps people from being present in bed. She herself didn't orgasm until getting a vibrator in her mid-20s.

• 06

  Use the three T's for awkward conversations: timing, turf, tone

  Timing: talk when both of you are relaxed, not mid-conflict. Turf: outside the bedroom, which stays for sleep and sex; a walk or car ride works because there's intimacy without eye contact. Tone: curious, compassionate and framed as 'this is about us.' She warns it may not go well at first; after decades of silence a partner often hears criticism, so keep returning to wanting more pleasure together.

• 07

  Sexual intelligence rests on five pillars

  Embodiment (am I present or thinking about an unsent email?), health (exercise, food, and medications such as SSRIs, blood pressure drugs and the birth control pill that can affect arousal and orgasm, plus unprocessed big-T or little-t trauma), collaboration with a partner, self-acceptance of your body as it is now, and self-knowledge of what turns you on and off. She says it's a lifelong practice, not something you check off.

• 08

  Breath and the senses pull you out of your head

  Her in-the-moment tool is a five-count inhale with a Kegel squeeze, then a slow release, repeated until grounded; she notes many people hold their breath or breathe shallowly during sex. A discreet alternative is cycling through the five senses, since you can't be in the past or future while noticing what you see, feel and smell.

• 09

  Low libido can be worked with like exercise

  Dr. Emily says it's okay not to feel desire, and she hears this from women in their 20s as well as in perimenopause and menopause. Mel's summary of her approach: set yourself up for intimacy without waiting to feel like it. Scheduling sex at a realistic time removes the nightly guilt of the higher- and lower-desire partner dance.

• 10

  Orgasm doesn't have to be the goal

  She defines hot sex as consensual, mutually pleasurable, communicative and safe. Centering connection, touch and intimacy instead of 'is it going to happen?' often makes orgasm more likely. She also suggests mining your 'sexual DNA,' the circumstances of your most memorable experiences, and noticing core desires, such as feeling cherished or adored, which can trace back to childhood needs.