Repairing a Broken Relationship: It’s Not Too Late | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Estrangement is a deliberate, usually one-sided cutoff, and it's common

  Dr. Joshua Coleman, a San Francisco psychologist and author of Rules of Estrangement, defines it as a complete or near-complete cutoff that one person wants and the other doesn't, most often initiated by an adult child. He cites an Ohio State study finding 26% of fathers and 6% of mothers estranged from a child (other studies put mothers closer to 10-11%), and estimates about 27% of US families have an estranged member. He notes definitions vary, which muddies the research.

• 02

  Culture shifted from role to self

  Drawing on sociologist Anthony Giddens's idea of the 'pure relationship,' Coleman says ties are now judged by whether they serve an individual's happiness and goals, rather than by roles like 'good adult child.' Estrangement has always existed, but never before has cutting off a parent been framed as good for mental health or an act of courage.

• 03

  The main pathways: abuse claims, divorce, in-laws, therapy and mental illness

  Adult children most often cite emotional or physical abuse, neglect and differing values. In his study of 1,600 estranged parents, about 70% had divorced, which can lead kids to blame one parent or compete with step-families. Others include mental illness in parent or child, a son- or daughter-in-law who says 'choose me or them,' and therapists who diagnose a parent from afar.

• 04

  He believes some therapists push clients toward cutoffs

  Coleman says parents show him letters stating 'my therapist says you're a narcissist and can't change,' from therapists who never met them. Childhood trauma is real, he stresses, but he thinks the culture now over-assumes it behind every adult problem. Mel notes they may differ on how much childhood trauma drives adult behavior.

• 05

  Over-closeness and pursuit can trigger the break

  He cites a University of Virginia survey finding most parents expect to be best friends with their grown children, which many adult children don't want. Texting and social media let anxious parents intrude anywhere, and the most common line in estranged children's letters is 'respect my boundaries.' When a parent responds to normal distance by acting hurt or critical, it can become John Gottman's pursuer-distancer dynamic.

• 06

  Five common mistakes estranged parents make

  Expecting it to be fair (which breeds victimhood and resentment); using guilt, which he says no longer works in North American culture, though cultures with filial duty tolerate it more; returning fire with fire; assuming every unanswered text is personal; and treating repair as a sprint. He adds a sixth: half-hearted amends like 'I'm sorry you feel that way.'

• 07

  Reconciliation happens largely on the estranged person's terms

  Unlike couples therapy, where both partners have equal claims, he tells families that sessions are about helping the parent become more empathic and respect boundaries, and that if he sides with anyone it will be the adult child. Once the parent shows empathy and accepts those terms, the relationship can move to discussing what the parent needs.

• 08

  Parents have a moral duty to take the high road, and adult children owe something too

  Because children didn't choose to be born, Coleman says parents must lead, take more responsibility than feels fair, and not get pulled into the weeds. He also argues adult children owe parents a period of due diligence: hearing them out and seeing them three-dimensionally, with compassion rather than contempt, though not tolerating ongoing abuse.

• 09

  Concept creep makes generations talk past each other

  He cites Australian psychologist Nick Haslam's 2015 'concept creep' paper: definitions of abuse, trauma and neglect have expanded. A parent hearing 'you emotionally abused me' often can't relate. His suggested reply: 'It's clear I have blind spots; I'd like to learn what that felt like and whether there's something you'd like me to read or work on.'

• 10

  The odds favor reconciliation, slowly

  Coleman says most estrangements eventually reconcile, even without his methods, as people mature, become parents themselves or want their kids to know their grandparents. It's a marathon of months or years, and catching the dynamic early leaves a smaller hole to climb out of.