You Learn This Too Late: Understanding This Will Change the Way You Look at Your Relationships

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Getting parenting 'largely right' takes a few simple, science-backed habits, not perfection.

  Developmental psychologist Dr. Aliza Pressman, who directs the Mount Sinai Parenting Center, says the research boils down to small things done more often than not. Mel admitted she feels she 'royally screwed up' her kids, because the 56-year-old she is now isn't who she was at 29, 30 and 34 when they were born. Pressman's message: these principles apply to every relationship, including with your own parents, your partner and your friends.

• 02

  The five principles: relationship, reflection, regulation, rules, repair.

  Relationship is connection, the umbrella for attunement and attachment, and 'kind of everything.' Reflection means thinking about and understanding what's happening; Pressman calls it an unsung hero because it creates a pause. Regulation is managing your own emotions and actions. Rules are boundaries for physical and emotional safety, yours and other people's. Repair is for when you mess up, which you will, over and over.

• 03

  Kids borrow your nervous system, so start with your own regulation.

  Parents often come to her saying their child needs more self-control. Pressman redirects them to what they can control: how is your regulation going? A child developing a sturdy nervous system needs one nearby that has capacity. She says parents who work on themselves see their kids' self-regulation improve over time.

• 04

  Best parenting advice: all feelings are welcome; not all behaviors are.

  A toddler can feel rage but can't hit their brother. A teen can be furious about being told no but can't steal the car to go to the party. Kids need to know there are no wrong feelings, while limits on actions stay firm.

• 05

  Early childhood matters a lot, but it isn't destiny.

  Early attachment shapes how we love and experience being loved, Pressman says, but relationships keep changing and 'there's always hope.' She also says parenting is the most powerful environmental influence on a child. A child in the worst circumstances who has one steady, loving, safe parent is very differently placed.

• 06

  Temperament differs: orchids, tulips and dandelions.

  Drawing on Thomas Boyce's research, which she says to take 'with a grain of salt,' Pressman describes a range. Orchid children bloom beautifully in great conditions and struggle badly in poor ones. Dandelions do fine almost anywhere. Siblings can differ, which is why the same approach doesn't work for every kid.

• 07

  The resilience myth: being sensitive to your child isn't coddling.

  Parents tend to swing between two extremes: ignoring hard feelings so kids 'learn,' or clearing every obstacle. Neither builds resilience, she says. You can be as attuned as you like to your child's feelings while still letting them face difficulty. Clearing the path is like trying to control the weather; kids need to learn to check the sky and put on their own raincoat.

• 08

  Over-sacrificing for your children doesn't help them.

  Pressman highlights Carl Jung's line, 'The greatest burden a child must bear is the unlived life of its parents.' She criticizes the 'martyrdom' in how we praise mothers who 'gave up everything.' A parent with no life of their own is often miserable, and kids feel that weight.

• 09

  Repair is the parent's job, even with adult children.

  You can't have a close relationship without repair, and you can't repair without first messing up. If your own parents hurt you, Pressman says reconnecting is their responsibility, never the child's, at any age. What is yours to decide is whether to offer forgiveness and compassion, which you can do even if they're gone.

• 10

  High-conflict co-parenting harms kids.

  Pressman says research shows that more conflict between co-parents, especially when kids are pulled into it, is linked to worse intellectual and emotional development and weaker executive function. Trashing your ex insults half of who your child is.