4 Simple Ways to Stop Caring What Others Think of You | The Mel Robbins Podcast
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~6 min
- Uploaded
- 22 May 2023
- Duration
- 1:20:09
- Views
- 349.9K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Not caring what others think really means redirecting energy toward what you value
Mel frames the whole episode around spending less energy on things that don't matter so you have more for the things that do. Her team lists the week's "no-shits-given" moments in Los Angeles, and she argues that each one was really a choice about where her attention went. Worrying about appearance, minor norms and imagined judgment drains focus and confidence without giving anything back.
- 02
Twisting yourself to fit hurts when it betrays your values and feels joyful when it serves them
The child-size rocket tent becomes her central image. Squeezing into a space that doesn't fit is painful when you are hiding who you are or contorting to please others. Army-crawling into a tiny tent felt like joy because it served values she holds: bringing fun, surprise and enthusiasm to her students.
- 03
If you look like that in public anyway, you can post it online
Mel points out the double standard of walking into a grocery store sweaty, with your bra showing, but refusing to be seen that way on social media. She posts selfies straight out of hot yoga, with a tomato-red face, grey roots and fogged-up glasses, because hiding that version of herself would mean she was still quietly caring about her appearance.
- 04
Criticism of her looks taught her to detach
As one of five paid legal commentators on CNN, she analysed cases like Trayvon Martin, Ferguson, Freddie Gray and Tamir Rice. Critics almost never attacked her arguments. They went after her neck, her jowls and her appearance instead. Hearing that so often trained her to tune it out.
- 05
Picture the life of the person attacking you
Her method for troll comments is to imagine what life looks like for someone who spends their time abusing strangers online. She guesses at negativity, few friends and a lot of screen time, and concludes their life must be hard. Responding with sympathy means the comment stops being about her.
- 06
Small minds talk about people; big minds talk about ideas
Mel separates gossip from asking for advice about a real situation, which she says is legitimate. If your social circle mostly talks about people who aren't there, you need bigger goals and should look hard at who you spend time with, because people who gossip with you will gossip about you. She admits she was a big gossiper in her twenties, when she was "insecure, desperate, clingy, anxious, competitive."
- 07
Honest feedback works when care drives it
Producer Cameron says what keeps Mel's blunt advice from sounding condescending is that kindness and real investment in the other person come through. Mel says she used to stay quiet when friends were in bad relationships or being walked over at work, and now sees that as being a bad friend. Her line is that you can manage your tone, but you shouldn't censor the truth.
- 08
Most people react with the emotional maturity of an 8- to 12-year-old
This is her rule two. She believes most adults never developed adult emotional regulation. Their disappointment is a child's tantrum, and their anger lasts about as long as an 11-year-old's. Picturing a boss or a deal partner as a smart kid helps her relate to them as a person and worry less about how they react.
- 09
There is a time and place for self-expression, and bias makes the balance unequal
Rule three uses a seesaw: standards and norms on one side, self-expression on the other. At work, she says, you are being paid, so standards matter more. She wouldn't wear the espadrilles to close a big deal at JP Morgan, or at least not without a manicure. She adds an important caveat: for many people, workplace norms carry real discrimination, so how to strike that balance is a deeply personal decision.
- 10
Go first: drop the mask so others feel free to
Rule four says everyone is stuck following some rule they think they're supposed to obey, so someone has to go first. Mel finds that people approach her more when she looks a mess. CEO Christine, who has known her for 18 years, adds that she has never heard Mel criticise anyone's appearance. Christine thinks that once you stop judging yourself, you stop noticing those things in other people.
EXAMPLES
- 01
The LA cafe and the Audible meeting
At a poolside cafe, Mel took off her t-shirt to sun herself in a nude bodysuit, tucking the shirt in like a bib over her chest. Later she wore open-toed Valentino wedge espadrilles with bell-bottoms to a first meeting with a senior dealmaker at Audible. Christine had packed closed-toe ballet flats especially for it. Mel then switched from seltzer to about three gin and tonics. The Audible contact later texted their literary agent that he was "both afraid and extraordinarily excited."
- 02
The child-size spacesuit in front of 5,000 students
At the first live training of her six-month coaching course, Launch, the team brought out a child-size astronaut suit, a helmet and a rocket-shaped pop-up tent, meant only as desk decorations. Mel squeezed into all of them, took her glasses off to fit the helmet on, overheated, and started the session on the floor pulling elastic cuffs over her shoes. Viewers "went bananas."
- 03
Telling Dr. Amy Shah to use her title
When Dr. Amy Shah, a double board-certified physician and nutrition expert with Ivy League degrees, said to call her just "Amy," Mel pushed back on air. She said there is so much noise from self-styled wellness experts that Shah's medical authority matters, and asked her to claim "Dr. Amy." Shah thanked her for it.
- 04
Research on Black women's natural hair at work
Mel cites a Michigan State study finding that 80% of Black women feel they need to change their hairstyle to fit more conservative work standards. She also cites Duke research showing that Black women with natural hairstyles were less likely to get job interviews than white women or Black women with straightened hair. She uses both to show that her open-toed shoes are a privileged example.
- 05
Kendall's national anthem at USC
Mel's daughter Kendall sang the anthem a cappella at USC's 140th commencement. Afterwards she said 99% of her friends had never heard her sing in four years, even though she was a popular music major. Her Instagram had just one singing post. Mel calls it a cage built from insecurity, and says the door is open.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Rule one: try caring about everything and see if it works
Deliberately worry about your shoes, your friends, your weight and next week, then ask whether any of it makes you happier, more secure or less busy. If worrying worked, you'd feel better. Seeing that it doesn't makes it easier to let go.
- 02
Audit where your seesaw is out of balance
Look for places where you've stopped being yourself, such as falling back into childhood patterns at your parents' house or following norms that no longer fit your values. Rebalance where you can without breaking legitimate workplace standards.
- 03
Check whether your circle is a cage
Mel adapts a Nipsey Hussle line: if you can't be yourself with the people around you, you are in a cage, not a circle. She warns that your own insecurities usually build that cage.
- 04
Give feedback you'd risk someone's disappointment for
Cameron's mother compared hard conversations to a time-release grenade: people may get defensive at first, and the point lands later. Expect that not everyone will react as graciously as Dr. Shah did.