The Most Important Sex Advice No One Ever Told You: Revamp Your Sex Life in 10 Minutes

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Sexual health is health, not a side topic

  Dr. Rena Malik, a urologist and pelvic surgeon, defines sexual health as psychological, emotional and physical well-being tied to giving and receiving pleasure. Problems in the bedroom often create shame, and they can also be an early signal of other disease. Men with erectile dysfunction are more likely to have heart disease, and ED often shows up before the heart problems do. She notes there's no equivalent data for women yet, though she suspects the pattern is similar.

• 02

  Treat sex as adult play, not a performance

  Movies show couples tearing off clothes and climaxing within seconds. Malik says real sex is awkward, noisy, sometimes funny and sometimes mediocre, and all of that is normal. Long-term couples tend to fall into a script that works and then gets boring. Thinking of sex as the one time adults get to play makes room to try new things.

• 03

  There is no frequency benchmark you have to hit

  On average Americans have sex about 52 times a year. That's roughly 80 times a year for 20-year-olds and about 20 for 60-year-olds. Researchers often define a sexless marriage as fewer than 10 times a year. Malik's point is that the only measure that counts is whether both partners are satisfied.

• 04

  Penetrative sex is shorter than people think, and women need more time

  In stopwatch studies of couples around the world, intercourse averaged about 5.3 to 5.7 minutes, with a range from 0.1 to 53 minutes. Men guess it lasts about 8 minutes, think it should last about 16, and women say they want about 25. Women's average time to orgasm with a partner is about 12 to 14 minutes, falling to about 8 with masturbation.

• 05

  Arousal is a physical process that takes time

  The vagina is normally about 3–3.5 cm wide and 8–9 cm long, and it can roughly double in both during arousal. The labia minora and clitoris engorge, and the cervix lifts out of the way. For some women this can take up to 25 minutes, which is why Malik calls foreplay part of sex rather than a warm-up. Lubrication doesn't always match arousal: bodies can lubricate without desire, or be aroused but dry because of genetics or menopause.

• 06

  Most women need clitoral stimulation, and the G-spot is a zone, not a button

  About 85% of women need some clitoral stimulation to orgasm. The clitoris develops from the same embryonic tissue as the penis, with matching erectile bodies. It's the only organ that exists purely for pleasure, and recent biopsy work puts its nerve endings above 10,000, up from the old estimate of 8,000. The G-spot is an area about 2–3 cm inside on the front wall, near the Skene's glands (the 'female prostate').

• 07

  Squirting and female ejaculation are different, and neither is a must

  Female ejaculation is a small amount of thicker, whitish fluid from the Skene's glands that contains PSA. Squirting is a larger gush from the urethra. Tests show it's very dilute, close to urine but not urine, with some PSA mixed in. Malik says it seems linked to how aroused a woman is, but it doesn't matter whether you do it.

• 08

  Menopause changes sexual and urinary health, and it's treatable

  When estrogen drops, lubrication falls, the labia and tissue around the urethra shrink, and the vagina loses protective lactobacilli, so its pH rises. That raises the risk of infections and recurrent UTIs. Malik, a certified menopause practitioner, says vaginal estrogen can prevent and even resolve recurrent UTIs.

• 09

  Pain during sex is never something you should just put up with

  Being told to have a glass of wine and relax is bad advice. Pain often comes from rushing before the body is ready. It can also point to pelvic floor dysfunction, endometriosis or another medical issue. If slowing down and using lubricant doesn't fix it, see a doctor. If your doctor never asks about pleasure or orgasm, Malik says to find one who will.

• 10

  Desire often comes after you start

  In long-term relationships, desire is often responsive rather than spontaneous. You may not be in the mood when touching starts, then warm up. Malik compares it to the gym: you don't always want to go, but you're glad once you're there. Both partners should initiate. If one person always initiates and keeps hearing no, ask whether it's the timing or the approach.