“The Secret of a Happy Relationship…” the Best Advice That I Have Received

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Over time we start treating a partner's wonderful qualities as normal

  Hussey says one of the biggest relationship mistakes is that what is special about a partner, the things that make life easier, more joyful and supported, starts to feel like what anyone would do. People often find out otherwise only when they date someone else. He compares it to frequent upgrades: someone who always flies in a fancy seat stops noticing it, while a first-timer stays up trying the hand cream.

• 02

  We assume we know everything about our partner, and stop asking

  What a partner tells us reflects the questions we ask, and many couples stopped asking ten years ago. You may know who they were then, not now. Quoting Proust, that real discovery is 'seeing with new eyes' rather than seeking new landscapes, he notes that an affair is a search for a new landscape. The alternative is to see your partner as an enigma again.

• 03

  Stay fresh for yourself so you can be fresh for your partner

  When we stop growing, by reading, taking up new activities or meeting ideas that challenge us, we bring a stale version of ourselves to dinner. Hussey says that after 17 years of coaching he could coast, but he would go stale, so he keeps reading and talking to people. Mel, at 55, took this as the key point: whether single or partnered, start with what you bring to the table.

• 04

  Insecurity sends us looking for partners who make us look good

  When we feel we aren't enough, we look for superficial markers of impressiveness, like looks, height, money, status or Instagram appeal, the way unpopular kids at school avoided being seen with other unpopular kids. When you feel enough, you focus on how someone makes you feel: seen, at home, having a great time.

• 05

  A partner is a hotel room, not your home

  His analogy: you can enjoy a lovely hotel without thinking it's your value. Your home is the self you come back to each night: resilience, wisdom, generosity, connection. People who lose a dazzling partner often feel they've lost their worth because they confused the two. Mel adds that after 28 years with Chris, the right person 'very quickly just starts to feel like home.'

• 06

  The right person has to be both right and ready

  Answering Carmen, back home after two happy years working in Europe for a partner who wouldn't move, he says different visions for the present or future are a compatibility issue, however good the relationship. 'Right person, wrong time' is science fiction. He asks for compassion for the partner who never chose this dream, and for honesty about whether you'll resent the compromise. If you choose Plan B, make it the new Plan A, or resentment follows.

• 07

  Ask whether a habit costs you a real need or just isn't how you'd do it

  For video games, weekend golf or a night owl paired with a morning person, the test is whether it denies you something crucial, like quality time, or whether you're annoyed they aren't like you. If it's a need, say so: you respect their hobby, here is what you aren't getting, and then ask what they need.

• 08

  Meet deal-breakers with compassion first, then honesty about your needs

  With a partner who has let themselves go, or struggles with drinking or anger, he starts from the fact that changing it is as hard for them as your hardest thing is for you. Then ask whether, taken to its extreme, it's compatible with loving yourself. Name the impact, including a 'delayed heartbreak' if their health suffers, and offer support or therapy rather than silently judging or venting to friends.

• 09

  When you outgrow a partner, the issue isn't the books or seminars

  For Heather, who resents dragging a partner along on her growth, he says not reading the same books or doing self-development work is irrelevant on its own. Someone raised on a farm may have learned just as much. What matters is whether they can apologise and become aware of destructive behaviour through conversation. If your concerns are met with disinterest, judgment or contempt, you don't have a teammate.

• 10

  Your story about being single can become your biggest enemy

  Loneliness, he says, is like chronic emotional pain. What makes it unbearable is the story you attach: that you're undesirable, always the person before the person they marry, that the good ones are taken. Get happy enough on your own that you can say no to the wrong people quickly, because you'll find the right one faster that way.