How To Know If Your Relationship Is Over & 6 Pieces Of Advice To Make It Work | Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Don't stay 'for the kids'; stay for yourself, or not at all

  Answering a listener named Jennifer, who felt the cultural pendulum had swung from 'stay for the kids' to 'leave to be happy', Mel calls staying for the kids the world's worst advice. Kids know when you're miserable and learn a dysfunctional model. A valid reason to stay is your own values: keeping the family intact, and the friendships, community and history you've built together.

• 02

  The exit door is usually the easy out, and the answers are usually in the mirror

  She worries that people now cut others off quickly and call them toxic. Her clear exceptions: leave if the relationship is abusive, if your partner is narcissistic, or if you're miserable after genuinely trying everything. But bailing to avoid the work carries the habit into your next relationship. She says she doesn't know anyone who truly worked to repair a marriage or friendship and regretted it, but knows many who regret not trying.

• 03

  Whatever you'd do after a divorce, do it now

  After a split, people get in the best shape of their lives and become more vibrant to attract someone better. Mel asks why not do that now, for yourself. She adds that anyone new comes with 28 years you haven't seen, plus hidden trauma and history, whereas you know at least part of your current partner's story.

• 04

  Relationships only work if both people work on them

  You can't fix a marriage from one side by fixing yourself. If your partner refuses, therapy alone will change you, but she calls that an 'enduring' marriage, and the person doing the work often grows right out of it. Eventually you may need to say that certain things are non-negotiable if you're going to stay.

• 05

  'Transactional but emotionally sequestered' is how couples become roommates

  Their therapist, Dr. Cooper, told Mel and Chris they were excellent at the logistics, like cooking, calendars, parenting and projects, but had lost emotional connection over five to eight years. Mel admits that her resentment over Chris's failing business made her turn on him when he needed her most, a 'quiet quitting' of the marriage.

• 06

  Step one: decide to make it better, and treat the marriage like a garden

  Wishing it were better is what you're already doing. Committing means scheduling the work. A marriage is a container where you both grow or wither, and small irritations are weeds that are five feet tall after a few days of rain. Talk about them, ask for what you need, and don't harbour resentment. Mel calls their every-other-week virtual therapy better than any date night.

• 07

  Step two: get genuinely interested again, and celebrate their wins

  Assume there's a lot you don't know about your partner. Mel cites UCLA research finding that how you react to a partner's good news matters more to the bond than how you respond to bad news. Enthusiasm gives a lift, while downplaying it 'leaves a lasting chill.' She now cheers Chris on through his men's retreat, his master's in spiritual psychology and his death doula training.

• 08

  Step three: plan fun, because it rarely happens spontaneously

  Mel told Chris in therapy that life had become too serious. Fun has to be planned, as it was when you were dating: movies, hikes, dance lessons, concerts, roller coasters, skinny dipping, dinner parties.

• 09

  Steps four to six: swap roles, ask for what you need, assume good intent

  Mel's anxious habit of planning everything left Chris no room to lead and left her feeling everything was up to her. Ask out loud instead of quietly punishing, and ask what your partner needs. Assume they didn't mean the tone. If you can't even admit your partner is a good person at their core, she says that's your answer.