4 Ways to Stay Calm When You’re Stressed: This Life Advice Will Change Your Future

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  When someone you love freezes on an opportunity, it's usually fear, not lack of desire.

  Mel's 23-year-old daughter Kendall, a singer-songwriter, got an invitation to perform at Carnegie Hall seven days later and left it unanswered for 24 hours. Mel was baffled and getting angry. When they finally talked, Kendall said she felt unworthy and unready, and worried about what friends who had worked just as hard would think. Mel's takeaway: intellectually the hesitation makes no sense, but the person you love is living in their emotions, not their intellect.

• 02

  We get frustrated because we can see someone's potential.

  Mel compares it to a partner who says he needs a new job and is still in his boxers eating a waffle at 9:45 on a Wednesday, while you angrily wash the dishes. You get mad because you believe in them. She points out that the people who love you probably see things you say you want but aren't working on either.

• 03

  Pressure backfires; confusion opens things up.

  Telling someone what to do is the fastest way to get them to do the opposite. Mel suggests starting with 'I'm confused', which puts the focus on you and gently points out the gap between what they said they wanted and what they're doing. For example: 'I heard you say you wanted to lose 40 pounds, and I'm confused because I haven't seen you exercising. Do you need support?'

• 04

  Expect defensiveness first, then the truth.

  After you say 'I'm confused', Mel warns that the fear will come out first: excuses, 'I'm busy', 'how dare you'. Kendall even accused Mel of wanting it more than she did. Keep saying 'anything else?' until the real answer comes out. Usually they know what they want but are scared, or they don't know how to start.

• 05

  Lesson 1: 'It's not that deep.'

  When someone is in the emotional deep end, these four words, which Mel learned from Kendall, lower the stakes. The phrase also reminded Mel that it was Kendall's decision: if she didn't want to go, there would be other opportunities. Mel applies it to job hunting ('it's just a resume, it's just an interview') and to dating, so you stay clear-headed instead of freezing or blowing the opportunity.

• 06

  Lesson 2: don't underestimate a good scream.

  Mel encourages letting pent-up tension out instead of holding it together: in the car, a bathroom stall, into a pillow or in the front yard. She cites Dr. Brian Bruno, medical director of Mid City TMS in New York. He writes that the relief after a big scream or cry may come from endorphins and peptides that reduce pain and stress, and that screaming releases muscle tension from bottled-up emotion. Mel notes that researchers are still speculating about why it works.

• 07

  Lesson 3: give someone your pants.

  Mel's third lesson comes from a stranger's generosity backstage. Her point is that it wasn't really about the pants. She asks what life would look like if your possessions were things to lend and give to lift others up, rather than just to own.

• 08

  Lesson 4: if you want a core memory, don't try to film it.

  You can't be present to your phone and to your life at the same time. Mel's advice is to stop trying to capture everything, or you'll miss actually experiencing it.