How to Talk to Difficult People: Proven Strategies to Stop Arguments & Feel Connected Again

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Every conversation is really one of three kinds.

  Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist Charles Duhigg, author of The Power of Habit and Supercommunicators, says researchers can now watch the brain during conversation. They've found that most discussions mix three types. Practical conversations are about plans and problems, and the goal is a solution. Emotional conversations are about feelings, and the goal is empathy. Social conversations are about identity, how we see ourselves and others, and the goal is acknowledgment. All three are legitimate, but if two people are having different kinds at the same moment, they can't really hear each other.

• 02

  Social conversations are the most common, and hot topics live there.

  Duhigg says statements like 'the way I see this as a mom…' or 'what's going on with Jim? He seemed weird in that meeting' are social conversations. Politics, religion and family opinions usually fall into this category too. Because the goal is acknowledgment, you don't need anyone to admit they voted wrong. You need to hear 'I hear that this matters to you and plays an important role in your life,' even if they then disagree.

• 03

  Super communicators ask far more questions, and deeper ones.

  According to Duhigg, the best communicators ask 10 to 20 times as many questions as the average person. They're usually what psychologists call deep questions, which ask about someone's values, beliefs or experiences: 'This seems really meaningful to you. What is it about it that matters?' The answer also reveals whether the person is in an emotional, practical or social frame of mind.

• 04

  Loop for understanding to prove you're listening.

  The technique has three steps: ask a question, ideally a deep one; repeat back what you heard in your own words; then ask, 'Did I get that right?' Duhigg says that last step asks permission to acknowledge that you were listening. Because of what he calls social reciprocity, people who feel heard become automatically more likely to listen in return. It feels awkward at first, but the brain quickly turns practised skills into habits.

• 05

  More evidence makes opinions more entrenched.

  Duhigg says study after study shows that the more evidence you throw at someone, the more ingrained their view becomes, and shouting means nobody is listening. Most people don't believe anything 100%. Asked honestly, a Mets fan will admit they were terrible two seasons ago. The aim is to reach that gray area, where you can start to influence each other.

• 06

  Arguments turn toxic when we try to control the other person.

  When we feel threatened, Duhigg says, we instinctively grab control of the person in front of us. We dictate topics ('I'm not talking about your mother'), timing ('I've got five minutes') and even their emotions ('you shouldn't be upset about that'). Better options are to control things together, such as when and where to talk and what's on or off the table, and to use the urge for control on yourself. Holding back a jab feels good and virtuous.

• 07

  Three rules for a hard conversation.

  First, acknowledge upfront that it might be uncomfortable. Duhigg says research shows naming the discomfort lessens it, because we mostly avoid conversations out of anxiety about the unknown, the way 'I have some bad news' helps someone prepare. Second, state your goal, which is often to protect the relationship, and ask what the other person wants from the conversation. Third, loop for understanding. If either of you gets riled up, that doesn't mean the conversation is failing. It means it's working as expected.

• 08

  Small irritations are rarely small.

  Duhigg says that if something bothers you, it isn't actually small. He's genuinely unbothered that his wife signals turns earlier than he does. Who walks the dog, by contrast, may really mean 'you see my time as less valuable', which turns a practical complaint into an emotional one. That often requires a conversation with yourself first: why does this bother me so much?

• 09

  You never have to have a conversation you don't want.

  Choosing topics is part of being a good conversationalist. Duhigg's neighbour has a different political sign on his lawn, but they talk about the pothole they both want fixed. You can say plainly, 'We're going to get bogged down, so let's talk about Thanksgiving instead.'