Create a Happier Version of Yourself: Redirect Your Energy for Positive Thinking

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  A four-question checklist tells you whether it's you or the situation that needs to change

  Mel's 21-year-old son Oakley was 'the lowest I have ever seen' him for about 18 months of college, then came home bubbly. When the team pressed him on what had changed, four themes emerged: Are you comparing? Is your energy shrinking or expansive? Are you 100% in? Have you actually changed anything? Only if you can honestly tick all four and things still feel wrong is it time to change the situation.

• 02

  You can't open a new door while you're gripping the old one

  Oakley had hated school until high school, where he blossomed. He knew most of the roughly 900 students, captained two teams, mentored freshmen and volunteered at a soup kitchen. He went to college mainly because 'everybody says you should,' and he started dreading it from move-in day. Every walk to class became 'this would be so much better if my hometown friends were here.' Mel says you cannot be content where your feet are if you keep comparing it to where you've been.

• 03

  Comparison breeds judgment, isolation and a fantasy version of the past

  If you keep looking for reasons something doesn't measure up, that's all you'll see. Oakley noticed he had become 'very unlike me,' judgmental of new friends he'd given 'an unfair start.' Comparison also tells you the best days are behind you. Mel says past happy chapters do hold clues, though. The lesson isn't to recreate them but to apply what made them work, like saying yes and joining in, to the present.

• 04

  Check your energy: are you shrinking or expanding?

  Crossed arms, leaning back, staying in on weekends and 'quietly quitting' a place, job or relationship are all forms of shrinking. Oakley says he was 'stubborn' and dreaded weekends, which felt 'like someone holding a mirror up to my face.' What's needed is the opposite: expand past your comfort zone and your stubbornness.

• 05

  Being right that the situation is wrong can feel safer than trying

  Oakley admits it annoyed him that everyone seemed to know he just had to 'get off the floor.' When he did try (one club, one night out), he left early to prove it didn't work. Mel says one attempt isn't data: give it a year and try properly several times.

• 06

  It's unfair to judge a situation you're only 40% in

  Having one foot elsewhere is like 'straddling two Clydesdales running in different directions.' Oakley's high-school girlfriend kept him commuting home, locking himself in his dorm for 7 p.m. calls and skipping weekends with friends. Mel kept driving back to Boston to see old friends instead of making new ones. Being elsewhere can also be mental, like a spouse who wonders aloud, after some wine, about a college ex.

• 07

  Close the exits

  Mel borrows the phrase from Harville Hendrix's relationship work. Oakley and his girlfriend had broken up freshman year but kept talking, and got back together within two months 'because the exit was still right there.' Before his second semester, they ended it with no contact. He calls it awful at first, then 'a million times easier.' He admits he hadn't been a good partner while he was miserable anyway.

• 08

  If you change nothing, nothing changes

  Ending the relationship made it feel like 'a disservice' to keep sitting in his dorm. Mel argues that every chapter is for the experience, whether that means learning you can make friends, finding inner strength or facing your own stubbornness. Your only power is in the changes you make. Whether that changes the situation or shows you it's wrong, both are breakthroughs.

• 09

  Letting go of the old chapter involves real grief

  Oakley went back in January feeling both fear (no outlets) and excitement. The first weeks were hard. Mel describes saying goodbye to what was as 'almost like grief.' Sometimes we can't see a new chapter's opportunity because we aren't ready to say goodbye to the old one.

• 10

  Notice how long you're willing to tolerate unhappiness

  Oakley's most unsettling insight is that he could live in sadness and loneliness for 18 months, became 'complacent and right about it,' and could have gone on longer. Mel says that's important self-knowledge. Life will bring more of these chapters, like friends scattering after college, breakups and new cities, so navigating change is a skill.