If You Struggle With Anxiety, You Need To Hear This | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Therapy is for when you're fine, too

  Mel's 17-year-old son Oakley walked into the kitchen after a Zoom session and announced "I love my therapist," Keith. He hated therapy as a younger kid after a therapist pushed him to ride an elevator he was afraid of, but a new therapist changed his life. He compares therapy to a journal you don't have to write in that answers back, and says it's worth having even when you're perfectly happy. Friends your age with the same mindset, he warns, can't solve the same problems you have.

• 02

  Hiding anxiety lets it come back harder

  For about three weeks in March of ninth grade, Oakley had overwhelming anxiety and told no one. He didn't want it to become "a process" with therapists and medication, both of which he'd had bad experiences with before, and he'd lived with weekly small panics his whole life, so he figured he could handle it. Looking back, he doubts the sophomore-year collapse would have happened if he'd spoken up in ninth grade.

• 03

  Big, scary, intrusive thoughts are common and not who you are

  Mel stresses that, according to therapists, almost everyone experiences a sudden frightening thought like the one Oakley describes. They can come out of nowhere and feel uncontrollable. Oakley says suicidal thoughts are talked about as if only people at "the worst of the worst" have them, which made his scarier. Knowing they were normal and temporary, he says, would have helped.

• 04

  Wanting to end the pain is different from wanting to end your life

  Mel repeats a distinction she's made often: you can lessen anguish, anxiety or sadness without ending your life, and talking about it is how you start. Oakley compares bottled-up thoughts to a shaken Coke can. Mel believes most people, if offered their life without the pain, would say "hell yeah" to staying. The episode is clear that persistent dark thoughts call for reaching out to a therapist or someone you trust.

• 05

  Saying it out loud shreds the paper bag

  Mel's friend Amy heard a therapist describe scary thoughts as being trapped in a paper bag: you can't think of anything else. The moment you find the courage to say them out loud, the bag tears open and you see you're not alone and that help exists. Oakley's advice to anyone from middle school to their mid-20s: if what's in your head is overwhelming or stopping you from doing normal things, tell someone early instead of waiting to collapse.

• 06

  An existential spiral can grip someone whose life looks great

  In sophomore year, Oakley had great friends, a girlfriend, classes he loved and a close family, yet couldn't see why any of it mattered. Mel notes that research suggests empathetic or introverted people may be more prone to deep meaning-of-life questioning, which can be triggered by things like climate change, injustice, poverty or loss. You can't assume you know what someone's inner life is like.

• 07

  Purpose can be something you discover over time, not a pressure

  Oakley's early sessions with Keith focused on purpose. He concluded that life may not inherently matter, but individuals can make it matter, and that one day he'll find a person, place or calling that gives him a reason to be here. At 17 he doesn't know his purpose and isn't daunted. It could take 10 or 25 years, and it has to come from him, not from his mom.

• 08

  Acknowledge recurring thoughts instead of fighting them

  Oakley says the "nothing matters" thoughts still show up daily, but in the back of his head, where he can think "that may be true, but who cares." Mel describes her plane ritual: when "what if this is it" pops up, she thinks of her family and gratitude, notes "oh, there's that thought," and doesn't resist it.