The Most Eye-Opening Conversation on Marriage & Love You Will Ever Hear (From #1 Divorce Lawyer)

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Disconnection is the root cause of divorce, and it builds up in small steps.

  Divorce attorney James Sexton, with 25 years in matrimonial law, says the things people blame (cheating, money, fights) are mostly symptoms. 'No single raindrop was responsible for the flood. But the flood's nothing but little raindrops.' Most marriages don't end with one catastrophe. They end with a thousand small, unnoticed choices.

• 02

  'Falling feels like flying for a little while.'

  Once couples feel they've 'locked down' their person, they coast and put their energy into kids, work and the world. By the time they notice the marriage isn't a good place, it's often 'real far gone.' He notes that marriage fails something like 50–70% of the time, and that asking someone 'why?' when they announce an engagement would be considered rude.

• 03

  Ten minutes a week of upkeep can keep many couples out of his office.

  Ask your partner: 'Tell me three things I did this week that made you feel loved.' He says the answers will surprise you, because little things matter. If you can both agree to listen without getting defensive, follow up with: 'Where did I miss the mark? What three things made you feel less loved or less seen?' Keep it light too, for instance '…three things that made you want to have sex with me?'

• 04

  Infidelity plays some role in about 85% of his divorces, usually driven by wanting to feel seen.

  His clients who've had affairs often say they never stopped loving their spouse, but their spouse no longer found them attractive or interesting, and the affair partner did. Humans need to be interesting and interested, to feel loved and to have physical connection. Constant criticism, even 'constructive criticism,' from your favorite person pushes them away. 'What's right in this connection is very often the cure for what's feeling wrong in it.'

• 05

  Social media is 'an infidelity generating machine.'

  In his book How to Stay in Love, he argues that nothing before it, not swingers' clubs, chat rooms, workplace temptation or Ashley Madison, has bred infidelity the way Facebook, Instagram and YouTube do. If you're even vaguely unhappy in your marriage, he says, stay off social media. Most of what's there is 'unhappiness masked as happiness.'

• 06

  Affairs have 'last clear chances' to steer away.

  Looking back on affairs, he sees many moments when someone could have said early, 'I feel like my eye is wandering. I don't want it to.' Naming it to your partner treats the marriage like what it is.

• 07

  Marriage is a job, and he means that romantically.

  It has roles and responsibilities, you chose it over other options, and you can quit, so be good at it, since happiness is the pay. The spiral down works by tit-for-tat ('why should I, she doesn't'), and it reverses the same way, through small actions. Start by leaving a note: 'It was really fun hanging out with you last night,' 'I married the prettiest girl in the world,' or a thank-you.

• 08

  Small disconnections add up, and the phone is the big one.

  Scrolling while your spouse talks says, 'You're not as important as this.' Responding with 'No, finish what you're doing on the phone' sounds accusatory. Meet each other halfway on physical connection too: if one of you doesn't like holding sweaty hands, put an arm around them instead.

• 09

  Learn to fight before you're in a fight.

  'The worst time to learn how to fight is when you're in a fight.' Agree in advance on a 'safe word,' something unrelated like 'How about them Mets?', that means 'this isn't productive, we're stopping and will continue later,' with a promise that you really will come back to it.

• 10

  Ask for what you need, even though it feels vulnerable.

  Two hard questions: if you can't name 10 things you love about your spouse, go to therapy and ask why you're married to them. And if you fear they won't reciprocate, 'what's scarier is we just won't even try.' He says aging has made it easier for him to say 'I need help.' Give yourself and your partner grace. He says he only understands himself about 75% of the time.