Harvard Psychologist Shares 6 Words That Will Change Your Family

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Six words: "Kids do well if they can"

  Dr. Stuart Ablon, Harvard Medical School professor and founder of Think:Kids at Mass General, says his whole approach flows from this sentence, and it applies to adults too: spouses, coworkers, in-laws. The common belief is that kids do well if they want to, which leads us to pressure people into wanting it. In 30 years he says he has never met a kid who prefers doing poorly to doing well.

• 02

  Challenging behavior is a skill problem, not a will problem

  Ablon cites about 50 years of neuroscience research showing that people who struggle to manage their behavior lack skills, not motivation: problem solving, flexibility and frustration tolerance. Trying to motivate someone when motivation isn't the issue doesn't work and can make things worse. He stresses that none of these skills correlate with intelligence.

• 03

  The strongest predictor of change is the helping relationship

  Across therapy, schools and other settings, Ablon says the only reliable predictor of helping someone change is the quality of the relationship between helper and helped: collaboration rooted in empathy, understanding and non-judgmental acceptance. The approach was tested first in residential treatment and correctional facilities before homes.

• 04

  There are five skill areas behind most hard behavior

  These thinking skills live largely in the prefrontal cortex: (1) language and communication — knowing and saying what's bothering you; (2) attention and working memory — holding several "open files" at once, which all problem solving requires; (3) emotion and self-regulation, including impulse control; (4) cognitive flexibility versus black-and-white thinking; and (5) social thinking, from joining a group to reading how you come across and taking another's perspective. They overlap; a concrete thinker may struggle to empathize, and black-and-white thinking can make emotions spiral.

• 05

  Consequences work least on the people they're used on most

  Consequences only work if you can stop and think ahead, which is impulse control. People with poor impulse control act first and get hit with consequences later, so piling on more doesn't change behavior. Ablon notes that well-behaved people aren't trying hard; the ones working hardest are those for whom it doesn't come naturally.

• 06

  Rewards and punishments can do real harm

  He describes thousands of studies, with kids and adults, finding a strong negative relationship between external motivators and internal drive: people become motivated to get the reward, not to reach the goal, and may behave unethically to get it. Every reward or consequence also implies "you're not trying hard enough," which damages self-esteem.

• 07

  Discipline originally means to teach

  Ablon notes the origins of the word revolve around teaching, not punishment, and punishment is a poor way to teach. If behavior is about skills, discipline becomes skill-building. He calls this "relational discipline": using relationship rather than power and control.

• 08

  Trauma and chronic stress delay these skills

  Brain imaging shows that childhood trauma or toxic stress delays development in the five skill areas — Mel lists racism, poverty, absent parents and abuse as examples. Punitive responses add more stress, which escalates behavior, which brings harsher discipline, creating a cycle. Being trauma-sensitive means treating behavior as skill, not will.

• 09

  Adults can still build these skills

  Ablon calls the idea that adult brains can't change "nonsense." It takes repetition and practice, but he says he has never seen anyone, even in the most severe cases, who couldn't improve a skill incrementally. Mel shares she has worked on her own all-or-nothing thinking.

• 10

  Pandemic-era skill gaps are making "adulting" harder

  Ablon now sees more young adults than ever. In his school work, fifth graders look more like third graders and 22-year-olds more like 19- or 20-year-olds, despite heroic efforts by teachers and parents. Ultimatums to non-launching kids often produce "dissociative compliance": agreeing to anything just to end the talk.