Do This To Become More Confident: 5 Truths You Need To Hear with Jamie Kern Lima

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Every choice comes down to listening to the 'no' or to your 'knowing'

  Jamie Kern Lima says we hear 'no' constantly, from retailers, from not being invited, and most painfully from our own negative self-talk. Underneath that is a knowing: intuition, a still small voice, a gut feeling. Her view is that your gut is never wrong. It leads you either to the next right step or to the next right lesson, so even a gut call that 'blows up' was teaching you something.

• 02

  Lie #1 is 'something's wrong with me'; the truth is 'you're not crazy, you're just first'

  Jamie was adopted, has five families through divorces and birth relatives, and grew up where nobody had gone to college. Her big ideas got her called 'crazy' as a term of endearment. In her late 20s, the first in her families to see a therapist, she asked whether she was crazy. The therapist told her that being first, whether to break a generational cycle or to show up authentically, often meets confusion and resistance. Jamie argues that the things you think are odd about you are often what's most right with you.

• 03

  You can't truly connect while showing up as your 'representative'

  Jamie says genuine connection with a friend, partner or customer is impossible unless you're authentic. In her words, authenticity alone doesn't guarantee success, but inauthenticity guarantees failure over time.

• 04

  'Things like that don't happen to people like me' is a story you can rewrite

  Answering listener Lisa, Jamie suggests first noticing the lie, then honestly asking whether you want to keep believing it, because some people use lies as excuses. You are the main character of your life, even if you can't control the supporting cast. Each time the thought shows up, intercept it and replace it with 'things like that haven't happened yet.' She cites figures that 80% of women don't believe they're enough and 75% of female executives deal with impostor syndrome.

• 05

  Lie #2: past failures predict future success

  Answering listener Jesse, who keeps failing, Jamie says long stretches of rejection don't indicate your potential. The people who succeed most also fail most, because they try most. To decide whether to quit, she gets still through prayer or meditation, asks the question, waits for an intuitive answer without projecting the one she wants, then takes one step in that direction. Knowing when to let go of a dream can matter as much as knowing when to chase one.

• 06

  Intuition is a muscle, often trained out of women

  Jamie points to studies in which boys answer a question immediately while girls look to each other for a consensus answer. To rebuild intuition, recall times you followed a gut feeling and times you overrode it, and notice what happened. Before automatically saying yes, pause and ask how you really feel.

• 07

  Mel's test: does the choice expand you or shrink you?

  Mel says self-doubt is loudest when she's busiest, so she gets still. Putting off a dreaded call or conversation brings a flash of relief, but she feels part of herself shrinking and constricting. The true knowing feels expansive, even when it terrifies her. She adds that nine times out of ten she is afraid of the thing she knows is right.

• 08

  Lie #3: your weight determines your worth

  Jamie believed this most of her life, even while running a company that celebrated every kind of beauty. She cites a figure that 89% of girls and women opt out of meaningful activities when they don't like how they look.

• 09

  Lie #4: 'if I stand out, I'll get kicked out'

  Women often bond over problems and downplay wins. Mel admits she chronically hides successes, having grown up around someone who constantly griped about people who had more. Jamie's reframe: sharing a win isn't arrogance. It shows another woman she can share hers, and people who call it arrogance are reflecting their own sense of unworthiness.

• 10

  Lie #5: labels are permanent

  Jamie compares labels to Post-it notes with light adhesive that come off once you decide they should. Identify the label, ask whether it's really true, and replace it with a true, empowering one. Being adopted becomes 'chosen' rather than 'unwanted.' Rejections get relabeled as 'divinely orchestrated.' She was voted 'biggest procrastinator' in her high school yearbook. Had that label stuck, the struggling waitress would never have launched a business.