How to Speak So That People Listen: #1 Rule for Getting the Support You Need

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Everyone acts from a 'frame of reference'

  Lisa Bilyeu defines a frame of reference as the lens, built from upbringing and experience, through which a person interprets words, actions and behavior. Yelling sounds like danger to someone from a verbally abusive home, while to Lisa, from a loud Greek family, it sounds like everyone's happy and excited. When someone reacts in a way you didn't expect, she takes it as a sign your frames differ.

• 02

  Ask 'what would have to be true?' before you judge or defend

  Borrowing from screenwriting, Lisa asks herself what would have to be true about someone's background for them to say what they just said. This lets you understand someone without condoning harmful behavior. It is not an excuse for abuse, but it keeps you from getting emotionally hooked. Lisa does this with family and close friends, not strangers, because it takes real time and energy.

• 03

  Sometimes the criticism is simply true, so mine it

  When her dad asked what she knew about movies, the honest answer was nothing. She had no contacts, no visa and no training. Instead of taking it as an attack on her self-esteem, she now responds with 'why?' and treats the list of reasons as practical problems to solve.

• 04

  Examine your own frame too, then challenge it

  The second use of the tool is turned inward. Lisa grew up thinking a good catch meant a car with rims and heavy cologne. Tom showed up in a dirty, half-broken car full of junk, opened the door for her, and asked sincere questions about God on their first date. That started her questioning rules she'd never chosen.

• 05

  Don't tell people what their frame of reference is

  Most people aren't aware of their own frame; Lisa suggests assuming they aren't. Explaining it to them invites 'you think you know me better than I know myself?' Do the analysis privately so you know how to show up and communicate, not as a weapon in the conversation.

• 06

  At the 'collision,' decide for your own story and ask 'what if it does work out?'

  Lisa notes that, in the natural course of things, her father would die before her. She didn't want to be 50 and living with a choice made for someone else. She committed in advance to being proud she tried even if the marriage failed, which kept a possible failure from becoming 'Dad was right.' Mel's insight: when someone says 'he's not right for you,' they mean he doesn't fit their story about your life. A failed choice doesn't make the other person right.

• 07

  Do the inner work before the hard conversation

  Lisa knows she rambles when she lacks clarity, and that without it she's permeable to other people's expectations. So she works out what she wants and why before bringing anything up. For any big change, picture 'an average Wednesday' under each scenario to see the real logistics.

• 08

  'When' keeps people stuck in a mundane purgatory

  For eight years as a bored, insecure housewife, Lisa swallowed her dreams with 'when' statements: when we have money, when Tom has made enough. Her breakthrough was asking what happens if the 'when' never comes. She thinks far more people are stuck in a life that's 'fine' than ever hit rock bottom. Money is often an excuse: you can start a YouTube channel with a phone or a library computer.

• 09

  Clarity means a granular mission plus 'what, how much, by when' goals

  'I want to help people' is too vague. Lisa's mission is to create content that helps women build confidence, and it is the North Star that gets her out of bed on bad days. Goals that serve the mission must be concrete enough that you either did them or didn't, such as four 30-minute YouTube videos published by the end of the month.

• 10

  Confidence is a byproduct of action

  Lisa says no one is born confident. Confidence is a skill that weakens without practice, and you build competence, then confidence, by taking action little by little.