Feel like quitting? Me too. Before you give up, listen to this. | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Unhappiness is the gap between expectation and reality

  Mel recorded this episode in real time after freezing behind the mic. She had planned to teach the science of habits, a topic she knows by heart, but her mind went blank and she cried. A rough end to 2022, with big plans for the first week of January going sideways, meant the new year felt nothing like a clean slate. Her formula: you feel unhappy when your expectations for how things should be don't match how things are.

• 02

  The 'fresh start effect' doesn't always show up

  Mel acknowledges research on the fresh start effect, the clean-slate motivation people feel at New Year's or a birthday. This year she felt the opposite: piles of unfinished business from last year still needing to be shoveled. She suspects many listeners feel the same and wants them to know that's normal.

• 03

  An 'F-it moment' is a trigger plus a wave of uncomfortable emotion

  When you push to change anything, such as health, organization or a bigger goal, some small, silly thing will eventually set off a flood of emotion. You'll want to say 'forget it' and quit. Mel defines the F-it moment as an inability, in that moment, to tolerate uncomfortable feelings, so you numb out, check out or throw in the towel. One small F-it can quickly snowball into a big one.

• 04

  F-it moments are a sign you're growing

  Mel's reframe is that these moments happen precisely because you're expanding your capacity for new behavior. Shedding old patterns stored in your nervous system sends shock waves through you. Handled well, the moments help you grow, and they pass. 'Life doesn't always give you what you want, but it gives you what you need.'

• 05

  Most unhealthy habits are a way to escape uncomfortable feelings

  Coaching listener Liza, Mel explains that most addictions and unhealthy habits are triggered by negative emotional states and our inability to tolerate them. Alcohol, for example, becomes a way to numb something scary, such as sadness or a loss of control. Finding the core feeling underneath matters more than the specific slip.

• 06

  One slip doesn't erase your progress

  Mel says research shows that whether you had three days or 300 days of progress before the slip, it remains in your neural pathways and nervous system. You aren't starting at zero. Beating yourself up is what actually saps motivation, so her first rule is not to make yourself wrong.

• 07

  Wring the towel out instead of throwing it in

  Mel's image: when emotion rises, picture a towel soaking it up. Breathe, wring the towel out, shake it off and continue. Recognizing 'this is an F-it moment' is the skill, whether you're seven days into quitting dairy and furious at your family or about to end a relationship to avoid a hard conversation.

• 08

  Tell people what's going on, with a heads-up

  Mel noticed that in her own spiral she kept talking it through with her team, husband and daughter. Her tip is to ask first: 'I'm going through something; do you have capacity for me to vent for a minute?' That way people know it isn't about them and won't get dragged into their own F-it moment.

• 09

  You deserve more help than you're willing to ask for

  Help might be meetings, a friend who texts you daily to check on your commitment, or a medical screening you've been avoiding. Mel argues that seeking help is a sign of strength and seriousness, not weakness.