How to Stop Screwing Yourself Over | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  You can't switch off a critical inner voice; you replace the playlist

  In two unedited coaching sessions, Mel describes default thinking as a playlist that runs in the background. Silencing it is nearly impossible, but layering a new soundtrack on top is doable. Simply recognizing that your default thinking no longer serves you is, she says, an enormous first step.

• 02

  Find out whose voice it is, and break the chain

  Poppy's inner voice says putting herself first is selfish and that anything she does for herself will fail. She learned it from her parents, who probably learned it from theirs and thought they were protecting her. Once you see the voice isn't yours, you can separate from it and be the person 'this playlist dies with.'

• 03

  Under 'it's selfish' is an uglier story: 'they'll pull their love away'

  Mel recognizes the belief from her own life. People raised to keep everyone happy link self-care with consequences, so taking care of themselves feels like risking love. That fear, more than the word 'selfish,' is what keeps people burned out and holding back.

• 04

  Name the voice and talk back to it

  Poppy names hers Vicky. When she feels herself holding back, the signal of default programming, she physically turns toward 'Vicky' and says 'Shut up, Vicky,' then states what she actually believes. Mel's comebacks: 'You're not paying my rent.' 'There's no plus-one on this invitation.' Distancing yourself from the voice drains its power, and your reticular activating system, the brain's filter, starts noticing more reasons to put yourself first.

• 05

  Start each day with 'I deserve to be happy'

  Mel's main mantra for Poppy is 'I deserve to be happy,' paired with the question 'Does this make me happy?' Other beliefs to install: my parents are proud of me for being me; nobody's disappointed in me, and if they are, I'm an adult and can handle it.

• 06

  Consider dropping the word 'toxic,' unless there's abuse

  Mel suggests replacing 'toxic' with compassion for immigrant parents who likely felt like outsiders with high stakes and aimed that fear and love at their child. She calls the word divisive if you want to improve a relationship. When Poppy says there was physical, emotional and mental abuse and they aren't speaking, Mel changes course. Boundaries are right, therapy is right, and reconnecting is optional and only if Poppy ever feels safe. Mel praises her for speaking up as an act of putting herself first.

• 07

  Chronic fear can block memories

  Diane has blocked out much of her childhood. Mel cites Dr. Judith Willis, whose work Mel attributes to UCLA, on how nervous-system dysregulation impairs the brain's functioning. A child living in fight-or-flight because adults are erratic isn't present enough to form memories. Mel says she has few memories of high school, college or law school for the same reason.

• 08

  Treat narcissistic programming as deliberate, and reprogram deliberately

  A person with narcissistic traits may not intend harm, but their lack of empathy and habit of blaming you install 'everything is my fault.' Mel compares reprogramming to a 65-year-old moving to Russia and learning to speak Russian for the rest of her life. It's hard but entirely learnable through consistent thought substitution.

• 09

  Pick a mantra you can believe, with some edge

  Mel argues that 'I love myself' usually fails because your brain rejects what you've spent years disproving. Choose something true enough to accept: 'I'm a kind person doing the best I can, and that's good enough,' or 'I deserve to be happy, especially after the people who were in my life.' A little spice loosens the mood.

• 10

  Catch the filter that makes everything about you

  If your boss is grouchy, your programming reads it as your fault. Mel lists other possibilities: his marriage, a divorce, irritable bowel syndrome, his own childhood trauma. None of it involves you. Most people are too busy beating themselves up to be thinking about you.