3 Steps to Eliminate Self Doubt & Get Everything You Want In Life
- Guest
- —
- Read time
- ~5 min
- Uploaded
- 15 Jul 2024
- Duration
- 0:41:35
- Views
- 136.1K
KEYPOINTS
- 01
Triggers are teachers, and the anger is aimed at yourself
Mel's central idea is that when someone's success sets you off, you aren't really mad at them. You're mad at yourself for not doing the small, boring things that would get you what you want. That's why she says she's happy, not sorry, when you're triggered: the trigger points to something you clearly want and supplies fuel to go after it.
- 02
Trigger #1: an irritating person gets what you want
Mel argues it has to be the irritating, less-qualified person who wakes you up. Famous experts far ahead of you make the gap feel impossible and supply excuses: they have a team, time, money. Someone close to your level with fewer credentials removes those excuses and shows you're capable too. You don't have to fake being happy for them or like their posts. Take the lesson and use the anger.
- 03
About 90% of the time, they're just putting in the reps
Mel acknowledges that roughly 10% of envy-inducing success comes from trust funds, privilege, bias or genetic luck. In the other 90%, people got there by doing tedious work 'in the dark' every day while you weren't watching. Viral success usually has no unicorn strategy, just posting content every day until it builds.
- 04
Inspiration is cheap; anger moves you
Watching people far ahead mostly makes you present to the gap, which is demoralizing. Mel says that's partly why she delayed starting her podcast. Anger is a very different emotion, a 'very painful gift' wrapped in sticky, gross paper, and used well it gets you moving where inspiration doesn't.
- 05
Trigger #2: being called out on your BS
Being exposed, whether for faking competence, drinking again or spending money you said you wouldn't, is among the most triggering experiences. Mel distinguishes this from impostor syndrome; here you really don't know what you're doing and are hiding it. The lesson is that saying 'I don't know,' 'I've never done that' or 'can I take a class or hire help?' is a superpower.
- 06
Admitting you don't know builds trust
Mel says research shows that when someone admits they don't know, others trust them more, because they can rely on that person to be honest. Mel now routinely asks guests to explain big words and has zero fear of asking for help. She credits that with helping her take bigger risks and solve problems faster.
- 07
Trigger #3: someone you respect says you're playing small
This is the impostor-syndrome trigger. Others see more in you, but you underestimate yourself and stay in a box: not posting your music, undercharging, keeping the client who nickel-and-dimes you, not applying for the dream job or school. Listen to people who see something bigger, because deep down you see it too; you're just scared.
- 08
Ignored triggers get louder
Mel finds that the more stubborn she is about avoiding what she knows she should do, the bigger the sledgehammer life brings next. Recognizing the trigger is the hardest step and the first one.
EXAMPLES
- 01
Molly the interior designer
Mel's friend 'Molly' (not her real name) is a trained, accredited designer with employees and years in business. She had talked for five years about doing social media and kept asking Mel for advice. Then a woman from her moms' group with no design training started posting photos of her own house, going live on TikTok and Instagram, and racking up thousands of likes. Molly spiraled on her couch and cried for days. Mel told her to thank the woman. Molly already followed Leanne Ford, Jake Arnold, Studio McGee, Joanna and Chip Gaines and Amber Lewis, but none of them had gotten her moving.
- 02
Mel's six months faking a job
After leaving law in 1999 for an early Boston startup, Mel needed a new job when the company was moved to San Francisco. She had a baby at home and was secretly pregnant. In 2001 she talked her way into a senior vice president of content role at a marketplace for creative freelancers. With no idea how to do it, she spent six months typing emails and looking busy. The two founders finally called her into a glass conference room: 'You're awesome, but you don't have a clue what you're doing, do you?' 'No, I don't.' Her things were packed while she sat there.
- 03
'You were 10 times better, and we paid the others five times more'
Around 2013–14, deep in debt and afraid that higher fees would cost her bookings, Mel undercharged for 5 Second Rule talks despite friends' warnings. At an executive retreat in Philadelphia for a Fortune 50 bank, she sat shrinking in the back of the room behind speakers like Dan Pink, then closed the event and brought the house down. The chief HR officer told her she was 10 times better than any other speaker and that they'd each been paid five times her fee. Her price was so low they'd doubted she was any good.
- 04
Aaron down the hall
Mel's composite example is the coworker who suddenly quits to run the custom boat business he's been building on weekends while you ran spreadsheets. Because you know him, you can't invent a story about superpowers or trust funds.
OTHER RELEVANT
- 01
Step 1: recognize the trigger
When you feel envy, embarrassment or anger, label it: 'I'm triggered, and that means there's something I need to do.' Simply noticing stops the swirl.
- 02
Step 2: play the 100-day rule
Want a following? Post for 100 days. Want to write a great song? Write 100 crappy songs on 100 days. Writing a book means writing every day for 100 days. Better at three-pointers means 15 minutes on the court a day for 100 days.
- 03
Be someone's chief HR officer
If you see a person you love playing small, tell them plainly what they're missing out on. It won't be an easy conversation, but Mel calls it one of the most loving things you can do.
- 04
Make one practical trade-off
Mel's suggestions for Molly translate widely: take one fewer client and spend that time on the avoided task, or hire someone to help with it.