6 Signs You Are Addicted to Stress, According to a Psychologist | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Drama addiction means unnecessary turmoil, and it can be internal

  Dr. Scott Lyons, author of Addicted to Drama, defines it as unnecessary turmoil: exaggeration, intensification and dysregulated energy and emotion used as a dysfunctional way to adapt. Mel's realization is that it isn't only the loud person who sucks the air out of a room. Someone sitting quietly in the corner, braced and ruminating, can be just as hooked. Lyons reclaimed the word 'drama' from 'drama queen' to make the topic more approachable.

• 02

  Outward signs to check yourself against

  Lyons's list includes extreme language ('literally,' 'always,' 'never'), feeling anxious or bored when things are calm, gossiping and stirring things up, and craving extreme situations and sensations. Others: pulling people into your crisis, generalizing one bad event ('what's up with men'), the catchphrase 'it's always something,' feeling most alive under deadline pressure, constantly fixing things, and replaying scenarios. If you retell a story more than twice, he asks what you haven't processed. His warning on gossip: people who gossip with you also gossip about you.

• 03

  Inside, it feels like urgency and being out of sync

  From the outside, someone hooked on drama can seem controlling and bulldozing. Inside, they feel out of control, in pain and on edge, as if everything is an emergency, with timing and emotion that feel mismatched with everyone else's. Peace and stillness can feel unsafe, even terrifying.

• 04

  The 'revving reflex' interrupts calm

  Lyons describes the moment in a meditation class, a bath or a garden when you start to relax and an inner alarm goes off. Suddenly you're thinking about work, checking your phone or looking up an ex. He also cites sad music when you're sad and rushing with nowhere to go. The revving keeps you from contacting vulnerable, unprocessed feelings. His line: 'We chase the drama to avoid our traumas.'

• 05

  Drama gives three payoffs: distraction, energy and pain relief

  Overscheduling, gossiping and fighting all trigger the same stress response. The first stage releases energy; the second releases a cascade of pain-relieving hormones. For people numbed by early trauma, 'drama is not about making sense, it's about making sensation.' The intensity rises above the threshold of numbness so you feel alive, even if what you feel is bad.

• 06

  It meets the criteria for an addiction

  Lyons points to tolerance (needing more stress to feel the same; he once took on multiple grad programs at once), withdrawal (anxiety and boredom that create an 'itch' for friction, doomscrolling or news), disregard for social consequences, and the way it consumes energy and attention. On violent crime and horror shows at night, he says they offer the same three payoffs, not just familiarity.

• 07

  Trauma trains your senses to scan for danger

  Staying in an Airbnb, Lyons couldn't find a carbon monoxide detector beeping every 55 seconds and noticed his whole body bracing for the next beep. Trauma isn't only stored, he explains; it tunes all your senses like a TV channel toward the next possible threat, which is why 'it's always something.'

• 08

  How to be around someone who's revving

  Stress responses are contagious, so first notice what's happening in your own body and settle yourself. Don't try to stop someone mid-roll down the 'hill of drama'; questions just add logs to the fire. Let the cycle run, then reconnect and ask what story, feeling or unmet need sits beneath their story. If you get an eruption followed by the silent treatment, validate your reality with a friend or therapist rather than waiting for theirs to match.

• 09

  Passive people are in the drama too

  Lyons, who refereed his parents' fights and later did couples work, recognized he got his own physiological rev from being the martyr. If you enable someone's drama by avoiding confrontation, you're participating. Reclaiming the choice to say no or walk away is what makes the relationship workable. He stresses this isn't victim-blaming.