This Simple Mindset Shift Will Change the Way You See Your Life

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Ask how the future version of you will handle a change

  Dr. Maya Shankar is a cognitive scientist with an Oxford PhD, a former senior adviser in the Obama White House, and author of The Other Side of Change. Her core reframe: when you dread a change, don't ask 'How am I going to get through this?' Ask 'How will the new version of me navigate this?' The person you are now won't be the one facing that future moment.

• 02

  Change is scary partly because of the 'illusion of control'

  Our brains dislike uncertainty, and most people 'wildly overestimate' how much they control how life turns out. When a divorce, a diagnosis, a layoff or a death proves otherwise, it can make us question who we are. Shankar says the pain is real and there are no instant fixes. Small shifts in perspective still help.

• 03

  We're bad at predicting how change will affect us

  We treat who we are today as the 'final, fully enlightened version' of ourselves. But as change happens to us, it also creates lasting change within us. So our forecasts about how unbearable something will be leave out the growth the change itself produces.

• 04

  Big changes slam doors on our 'possible selves' and open ones we fear

  Psychologists describe three kinds of possible self: hoped-for (dreams), feared (anxieties) and expected (what's most likely). Shankar's example: she'd love to be the next Taylor Swift, but in five years she's likely still a cognitive scientist. When change hits, hoped-for and expected doors close and feared ones open. She argues our imagination for new possibilities is often too narrow, shaped by stereotypes and social norms.

• 05

  Identity foreclosure: locking in an identity too early

  This means anchoring your identity to one thing before exploring other options. For her it was 'I'm going to be a concert violinist.' It's why losing a role, like star athlete, top student or a job title, can feel like losing everything. 'We don't know how much something has come to define who we are until we lose it.'

• 06

  Look for the essence underneath what you lost

  Asking what drew her to the violin, Shankar realized it was a love of human connection, which she could express in other ways, including through conversations like this one. The grit, fearlessness, skills and knowledge from a lost pursuit carry over to what comes next.

• 07

  Cognitive reappraisal: change the story, change the feeling

  Reframing a situation changes how you feel without denying the facts or the unfairness. Mel's example is grief expert David Kessler's swap from 'what if' to 'even if.' She used it that morning with her mom after a friend died suddenly, and notes it works for breakups too.

• 08

  Distraction isn't always avoidance

  Shankar pushes back on the idea that distraction makes buried feelings come back worse. Research is more complex. If Netflix, a friend or a run brings you joy and you're not actively suppressing anything, it's likely a healthy tool. Reading also lets us try on other identities through characters.

• 09

  Discomfort is how the brain stays sharp

  Every time you put yourself in an uncomfortable learning situation, she says, you're using neuroplasticity, the brain's ability to rewire itself. That's a reason to choose some changes even when they feel uncertain.

• 10

  Motivation dips in the middle of a goal

  We get a burst at the start (New Year's Day, hunting for gym shoes) and another near the finish, like the final stretch of a marathon, with a lull in between. A year-long goal has a roughly three-month slump. Break it into week-long goals and the middle shrinks to a couple of days.