Dating Expert: Why Dating Today Is Nearly Impossible & How to Find True Love

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Separate what's hard about dating itself from what's hard about the apps.

  Behavioral scientist Logan Ury, formerly director of relationship science at Hinge (Mel notes Hinge didn't pay for the episode), says people lump together the psychological work of dating (putting yourself out there, taking risks, getting rejected) and frustrations with the technology. Blaming the apps for everything lets you skip the part you control. She also warns that 'I live in the worst city for dating' tends to become self-fulfilling.

• 02

  Some things matter less for long-term success than people think.

  Looks: we adapt to them over time ('behind every hot person is somebody who's sick of having sex with them'). Money: it makes life easier but is a poor reason to pick a partner. Shared hobbies: fine as long as you give each other room for your own. Similar personalities: two of you would be 'way too much.' A partner who balances you is better.

• 03

  Other things matter more than people think.

  Emotional stability: can they pause between stimulus and response? Kindness: how do they treat someone they don't need anything from? Loyalty: do they help friends move, and do they have friends from across their life? A growth mindset, so they'll tackle rough patches with you. Fighting well: not never fighting, but fighting as a team. Her favorite: what side of you do they bring out?

• 04

  Rate the date by how you felt, not by their résumé.

  She calls it switching from an evaluative mindset ('Are they good enough for me? Do they make enough money?') to an experiential one ('How do I feel around them?'). Her post-date questions are below. They weed out people who look good on paper but make you feel bad about yourself.

• 05

  The spark is overrated. Look for the slow burn.

  Ury cites research that only about 11% of couples experience love at first sight. A slow-burn person may be less charming at first but would make a great long-term partner, and they're often overlooked. If you like someone a bit more each date, invest the time.

• 06

  Dating apps tend to be crowded with anxious and avoidant people, who keep finding each other.

  She estimates the population is about 50% secure, 25% anxious and 25% avoidant, but many secure people are already partnered. The anxious dater chases and tries to prove their worth. The avoidant fears being smothered and pulls away. Together they create the 'anxious-avoidant loop.' Ury says she used to be an anxiously attached dater herself.

• 07

  Date the person, not the potential.

  'People will show you who they are if you let them.' Chasing someone's potential, or acting as their mentor, leads you to excuse unacceptable behavior. A situationship isn't bad if both people genuinely agree on what it is. It becomes harmful when one person wants exclusivity and doesn't say so.

• 08

  Don't ghost. Send a copy-paste rejection.

  She says ghosting is a major driver of dating burnout, and that 85% of people would rather be rejected than ghosted. Keep a note on your phone: 'Hey [name], it was great meeting you, but I don't think we're a romantic match.' Add 'I wish you well' if you like. Getting a clear no lets the other person move on.

• 09

  Ask the 'What are we?' question instead of hoping.

  Her script: 'What are we? I'd be interested in deleting Hinge. Would you?' If you're on the same page, delete your apps. If not, now you know. Mel adds that many people complain about a lack of commitment without ever asking for it, because they're afraid of the answer.

• 10

  Your profile is your billboard, and matching is only the start.

  Ask friends whether your profile really represents you, and use the limited space to show several sides of yourself, what you're looking for, and what dating you would be like. She also says to choose quality over quantity: many people collect matches they never message past a couple of exchanges, then ask where their partner is. 'He very well could be in your matches.'