The Truth About Love: How to Find It, Keep It, and Let It Go With Jay Shetty | Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Love has three parts: like, respect and commit

  Jay Shetty's working definition of love is liking someone's personality, respecting their values, and being committed to helping them achieve their goals. Physical attraction is a given he takes for granted, not something he dismisses. He encourages couples and individuals to write their own definitions and rules. He also notes research that young people experience love mainly as a feeling, and that a more mature prefrontal cortex lets reasoning and self-control shape it.

• 02

  'Liking' means wanting to spend 200 hours with someone

  Shetty cites research that a casual friend takes about 40 hours together, a good friend about 100, and a great or best friend about 200 quality hours. So the test of liking someone's personality is whether you're curious and excited enough to want 200 hours with them.

• 03

  Respect their values; don't demand they share them

  Most relationships, Shetty argues, fall apart because one person tries to mold the other into valuing what they value as much as they do. That's unrealistic. His wife Radhi's top value is family, and his is purpose and service. During the recording she was in London with her grandmother, who had been in the hospital for two weeks. Neither made the other feel guilty, and he'd fly back the moment she needed him.

• 04

  Support their goals, not the potential you see in them

  Saying 'they could be so much more' is about you, not love. When everyone told Radhi, a vegan chef and food scientist, to open a restaurant, she felt pressure until they sat down and asked whether she actually wanted that. Her answer: maybe someday, not now. His key question: are you helping them to the next step in their journey, or in yours?

• 05

  Rule one: learn to be alone, and treat solitude as strength

  Citing the theologian Paul Tillich, Shetty notes that we talk constantly about loneliness, the weakness of being alone, but rarely about solitude, its strength. Use time alone to learn what you like. If you wait for someone else to prove you're lovable, you become unlovable the moment they change their mind. People who pour energy into lists of partner qualities often lose themselves in a partner's likes and dislikes within a few years.

• 06

  Entering a relationship out of fear of being alone backfires

  Shetty says research shows three outcomes: you settle for less than you deserve, you become dependent and mold yourself to someone you see as out of your league, and you're afraid to leave because anything seems better than being alone.

• 07

  Parents' 'gifts and gaps' become your map for love

  If parents showed up for every recital, you may look for someone endlessly present. If they criticized you or compared you to a sibling, you may hope a partner fills that gap. That's why people keep dating the same type. Shetty's monk lesson: whatever you want from someone else, give it to yourself first, whether compliments, understanding or validation.

• 08

  Four phases of love, and the 'contract' behind 'I love you'

  The phases are attraction, dreams, disappointments and adapting, and trust. 'I love you' can mean 'forever' to one person and 'tonight' to another, yet we rarely check whether our contracts match. Early sparks, he notes, are excitement mixed with stress ('do they think I'm hot?'). As stress fades into comfort, people mistakenly think the spark has died.

• 09

  Watch for the halo effect and the context effect

  With the halo effect, we assign people qualities they haven't shown: attractive means trustworthy, smart means organized at home, one kind moment means kind always. With the context effect, studies suggest holding a warm drink on a date raises warm feelings, and weddings or romantic movies make people think 'this could be the one.' He also asks whether they respond at your pace or you're forcing it.

• 10

  Partnership vs. ownership: the four C's

  Unresolved hurt shows up as comparison, criticism, complaining and control. 'No one in the history of comparison has ever changed because they were compared.' Control often looks like care, such as telling you what to wear or which friends are good influences. Ask whether it's for your growth or their convenience. Shetty admits he judged some of Radhi's longtime friends early on and realized it wasn't his place.