Your Guide to Better Romance, Sex, & Love From the #1 Sex Professor

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Sex is a health habit, not a treat

  Dr. Nicole McNichols, a University of Washington professor whose human-sexuality course is the most popular on campus, notes that our language ('get lucky,' 'save room for dessert') frames sex as optional. She says satisfying, consensual, connected sex is linked to better cardiovascular health and protection against brain degeneration, and some studies tie it to longevity. These are associations she cites from research. She also says prioritizing pleasure builds 'ego resilience,' an upward cycle where you turn outward, seek more support and think more creatively.

• 02

  Sexual likes are learned, so sex can get better

  From her book You Could Be Having Better Sex: we aren't born knowing what we'll enjoy, just as we aren't born knowing what foods we'll like. People with a 'sexual growth mindset' believe sex can improve through communication and experimentation. People who think 'married sex never changes' struggle. She says that mindset predicts satisfaction far more than any innate skill.

• 03

  Only 18% of women orgasm from penetration alone

  The rest need clitoral stimulation, either alongside penetration or on its own. When she shows this in class, women stop thinking they're broken and men stop thinking they're failing. Not knowing it, she says, fuels widespread faking. More than 50% of women say they've faked an orgasm.

• 04

  Drop the 'penetration script' that creates the orgasm gap

  The default script of kissing, touching, maybe oral, then penetration, his orgasm and done puts penetration on a pedestal. She says queer couples report more equal and higher orgasm rates because they don't start from 'sex equals penetration.' Most women who orgasm during intercourse do so about 10–15 minutes in, versus about five minutes for men. With masturbation, both sexes take four to five minutes, because people know what they're doing.

• 05

  The clitoris wasn't fully mapped until 2005

  Its only known purpose is pleasure, with no role in reproduction, so medicine largely ignored it. Urologist Dr. Helen O'Connell used MRI to map its full internal structure in 2005, and it took about a decade to reach mainstream literature. It develops from the same tissue as the head of the penis. Most of it is internal, which is why 'vaginal' orgasms still involve the clitoris, stimulated from inside (the 'clitourethrovaginal complex' rather than a magic G-spot).

• 06

  Faking orgasms shuts down the communication that makes sex good

  Good sex depends on feedback, not innate talent. She suggests phrases like 'guide me,' 'show me what you want,' 'is this feeling good?' and 'should I do more of this?', plus small shifts in position and sounds. After 20 or 30 years of faking, coming clean feels monumental, which is why it's better to stop early.

• 07

  Micro-novelty keeps long-term sex alive

  Research she cites finds couples who add some novelty about once a month (12 times a year) report more sexual satisfaction. Novelty doesn't have to mean whips and paddles. Small, low-stakes changes count.

• 08

  A fantasy isn't necessarily a wish

  Threesomes are the most popular fantasy in America, she says, but many who imagine them don't want one. Taboo settings like public places or an airplane bathroom are common. She also rejects the myth that people into kink were abused as children. Studies interviewing them found most weren't, and the draw is often novelty.

• 09

  Sexuality can be fluid

  Bisexuality usually isn't a phase on the way to gay or straight. Women more often move toward identifying as bisexual. She says 23% of Gen Z identify as LGBTQIA+, and about 80% of that group identify as bisexual.