Goal Setting Toolkit: How to Set the Right Goals For You AND Achieve Them | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  A goal is an outcome that won't happen unless you do something different

  Mel builds the episode on the definition from Dr. Elliot Berkman, co-director of the University of Oregon's Center for Translational Neuroscience. Getting six-pack abs or getting out of debt qualifies; watching the series you're hooked on (Gangs of London, in her house) doesn't, because it takes no effort. Goals naturally involve friction, so expect some resistance.

• 02

  Having goals measurably improves daily life

  Mel cites research that goals make you happier, dampen negative emotions (University of Wisconsin work suggests even fear and depression), give a sense of purpose, and make life feel easier. She opens by calling herself one of the 81% of people who abandon resolutions.

• 03

  Every goal needs a will and a way

  In Berkman's research, the 'will' is the motivational why: why does this matter, why change, why now? The 'way' is the informational how: how will it unfold, what skills does it need, what's the plan? Mel notes they rely on different brain systems: the how on executive function in the prefrontal cortex, the why on dopamine reward circuits. New behaviours are rarely as rewarding as old ones like Netflix, so you need both.

• 04

  If you don't know what you want, dream bigger, then scale down

  Mel's research-backed prompts: let yourself dream big and shrink it into small goals; think about your death, since nobody wishes for more days at work; get quiet, as mindful people set better goals; and look for 'want-to' or self-concordant goals (from Carleton University research) rather than obligations like doing a Whole30 because everyone else is.

• 05

  State your goals in the third person

  Citing Cornell research, Mel has listeners say their goals aloud using their own name, as in 'Mel would really love to spend more time gardening this year.' She says it sounds more authoritative, as if it's already happening.

• 06

  Mistake one: a how with no why

  Pressure triggers an inner rebel. Mel joined Dry January from FOMO in past years, lasted two or three days, and then started sneaking drinks and lying about it.

• 07

  Mistakes two and three: too many goals, or goals outside the sweet spot

  Mel says (her opinion, not a study) the most common mistake is stacking Dry January, Whole30, Spanish, a job change and volunteering into one month, so stick to one to three goals. Then aim for the Goldilocks zone. Dreams are big and open-ended; goals must be small, specific and timed. She cites Florida State, BJ Fogg's Stanford habit work, UC Riverside on keeping some ambition, and a German study showing that missing a too-high goal hurts self-esteem.

• 08

  Mistake four: too vague; ask how you'll know you've succeeded

  Columbia's Dr. Heidi Grant Halvorson suggests one question: when will you know you've succeeded? It made Mel realise her gardening goal was really to grow dahlias for the first time and cut a bouquet for a vase by her sink.

• 09

  Mistake five: skipping a high-low range

  Mel cites a Florida State finding that a goal of losing two to four pounds is easier to hit than three pounds. Ranges feel more achievable while still stretching you.

• 10

  Pursuit matters more than arrival

  Working toward goals creates the happiness; achieving them gives a brief high and then you climb back down the mountain. Mel calls the belief that you'll finally be happy once you get the job or lose the weight the 'arrival fallacy,' and points to Olympians and movie stars who struggle after their biggest wins.