The One Science-Backed Habit You Need This Year | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Self-love is an action, not a feeling

  Answering Maria from Spain, who asked how to love herself, Mel argues we get stuck because dictionaries define love as a feeling. You feel loved by others because of what they do, like Chris bringing her coffee or saying 'I love you, Mel.' So the way to love yourself is to show it through your own actions toward yourself.

• 02

  The high five habit in brief

  After brushing your teeth, put the toothbrush down, look the person in the mirror in the eye, and when you're ready, high-five your reflection. Pairing it with brushing your teeth is habit stacking, which Mel says helps your brain encode it faster. It takes less than five seconds and requires no particular thoughts.

• 03

  Looking yourself in the eye is the hard part

  Mel says her own research found that about half of men and women can't or won't look at themselves in the mirror, often because of regret or disappointment in who they've become. Others look through themselves or straight at what they dislike (weight, eye bags, in Mel's case one breast hanging lower). Holding a loving gaze is what we do with people we love, so avoiding it each morning amounts to rejection.

• 04

  Neurobics: pairing movement with a new thought

  Mel cites research she associates with MIT and elsewhere showing that combining a physical action with a new positive thought is the fastest way to build new neural pathways. She says a high five also comes with a lifetime of positive associations (cheering, encouragement, 'shake it off'), so the gesture does the work and gives a dopamine boost even if you don't believe anything nice about yourself yet.

• 05

  Self-criticism blocks self-forgiveness

  To Teresa, who asked how to stop beating herself up over past mistakes, Mel says we waste years because we don't know how to accept failures and regrets. Looking at yourself with compassion every morning is where forgiveness begins. As Chris puts it, forgiving yourself while walking down the sidewalk is futile, because the mirror is where it happens.

• 06

  If you can't love yourself, you can't accept love from others

  Mel argues that if your own actions toward yourself say you're unworthy, you'll deflect the love around you. It's part of why she ends every episode with 'I love you,' knowing many listeners rarely hear it.

• 07

  Repetition matters more than perfection

  Chris says transformation requires repetition. During his challenge he high-fived himself at every mirror, not just at the sink, and expects life to knock the habit off course sometimes, just like exercise or sleep. The point is to come back to the moment of 'partnership with myself.'

• 08

  Men often feel unseen

  Chris, who has led the Soul Degree men's retreats for six years, says men rarely feel truly seen and heard, and tend to put the wife, kids and employer first, squeezing in a workout. Slowing down enough to look yourself in the eye can feel close to impossible for many men, so he wants partners and parents to know that.