#1 Neuroscientist: How to Motivate Yourself (and Others) to Change Any Behavior

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Pressure backfires because it threatens people's sense of control

  Dr. Tali Sharot, a behavioural neuroscientist who directs the Affective Brain Lab at University College London, says the desire for control is hardwired because controlling your world brings rewards and avoids harm. Once someone feels you're restricting their agency, their motivation drops and anxiety rises. In a partnership, nagging also signals that you see their negatives and that they're not enough.

• 02

  Trying to change someone is often about managing your own stress

  Mel's example is a partner happily watching golf on a Sunday while she feels judgment rising. Sharot says that changing the other person may be an unconscious attempt to lower your own stress, perhaps from worry about their heart or their spending, and your stress is itself contagious.

• 03

  You influence strangers more than you realise

  Through emotional contagion, even unknown people on the subway shape your mood and choices. Studies show stressed people make those around them more stressed, and seeing someone eat an apple or ice cream nudges what you crave. Sharot says it evolved because someone else's fear may signal real danger. The takeaway is to model the behaviour you want, such as not being on your phone if you want your kids off theirs.

• 04

  Fear is especially poor at getting people to act

  Sharot's approach-avoidance principle: expecting a reward triggers a 'go' signal deep in the brain that makes action more likely, while expecting something bad triggers a 'no-go' signal that travels to the motor cortex and promotes freezing. In her experiments, people pressed a button faster to gain money than to avoid losing it. Fear can still help when you want someone to stop doing something, like sharing confidential information.

• 05

  Reframe messages around gains

  Scare tactics also fail because people assume 'it won't happen to me.' Sharot's friends who smoke are motivated more by wanting better skin than by fear of cancer. Instead of 'Route A will lose you time and money,' say 'Route B will gain you time and money.'

• 06

  Lever one: social proof

  Highlight what others are doing well, and model it yourself. For a partner, Sharot suggests inviting them to join your run rather than citing a friend's fit husband.

• 07

  Lever two: immediate rewards

  Present bias means we value now over later; most people take $100 today over $110 next week, partly because the future is uncertain. Cake, a drink or Netflix pay off instantly, while books and fitness pay off years later. So attach something good to the action now: a trashy show only on the treadmill, a podcast on a run, or a sincere 'thank you for asking.'

• 08

  Lever three: progress tracking

  Sharot says progress itself brings joy, and even top performers find simply maintaining demotivating. A 3:28 marathon after a 3:30 feels better than repeating 3:30. Track the specific elements tied to your goal.

• 09

  Give choices, but only two or three

  Ask 'carrots or cucumbers?' or 'should I pick your outfit, or will you?' Sharot notes that asking you to choose is still their choice. The same applies to employees and patients. She cites the famous jam study, where 60 options left some shoppers leaving empty-handed.

• 10

  Change, on average, makes people happier

  In economist Steven Levitt's study, thousands of people facing a decision flipped a virtual coin: heads meant change, tails meant stay put. Heads made people about 25% more likely to change, and at two weeks and six months, changers were on average happier. Sharot's caveats: this doesn't say which change (therapy may count), and the benefit likely comes from fixing something already wrong and from the joy of learning.