How to Let Go of What You Can’t Control & Redirect Your Energy

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Dread is bracing for the worst before anything has happened

  Mel recorded this as the clocks went back, when it's dark by 4 p.m. in Vermont, and during a tense US election, which she refuses to discuss. She describes dread as something that happens far more often than people notice: before a breakup talk, a test, feedback at work, a diagnosis, or even waiting for a text reply. The dread isn't the problem, she says. Letting it take you over is. She admits she once put off a breakup for over a year because she couldn't move through it.

• 02

  When you're bracing, your body overrides what you know

  Mel calls herself pragmatic and logical, yet in severe turbulence she couldn't hold on to rational thoughts about hurricane winds. Her point is that when dread kicks in, your physiology and psychology override your knowledge and you can't reach your tools, even though the tools still work. That's why she pairs head tools (focus on what you can control) with body tools that work 'from the neck down'.

• 03

  Box breathing signals safety to your body

  Breathe in for four counts, hold for four, breathe out for four, hold for four. Mel says slowing your breath tells your body you're okay. She notes that people often barely breathe when they're bracing, like on the walk up to a breakup conversation. Chris counted her through it on the plane, and she describes the effect as an elevator in her nervous system slowly coming down.

• 04

  Sort what you can and can't control

  Producer Phil, whose father was diagnosed with a cancer the doctor called very treatable, described waiting three weeks for a PET scan to see whether it had spread. His approach: listen to the doctor, tune out medical websites and well-meaning friends, and focus on what you can do, like eating well, walking and meditating. He compares going back to that list every time dread returns to training a muscle.

• 05

  Most worries never happen, according to the study Mel cites

  Mel cites a Cornell study finding that 85% of what people worry about never happens. Of the 15% that does, she says 78% of people found it easier to handle than expected and learned something valuable. She pairs this with the Dalai Lama's line: if a problem can be fixed there's no need to worry, and if it can't, worrying doesn't help.

• 06

  Swap 'dread' for 'uncertain'

  Calling something dreadful means you've already decided it will go badly, which lines up your thoughts, feelings and actions with failure. In truth the outcome is uncertain: the funeral, diagnosis, breakup talk or presentation hasn't happened yet. Staying in that uncertainty leaves room for 'what if it all works out', and she calls handling uncertainty a skill you can build.

• 07

  Dread isn't exactly 'manifesting', but it does make things worse

  Asked by Phil whether dread manifests bad outcomes, Mel explains the hardwired fight-flight-freeze response. If a fire alarm went off, no one could do a math problem. The negativity bias makes you spot the rattlesnake instead of the turning leaf. Staying in that state shuts down problem-solving and stops you from taking the steps that would improve things, so in that sense you do 'create more bad'.

• 08

  Dread can show you what matters

  Dreading a presentation shows you care about your work. Dreading a breakup shows you value honesty and yourself. Dread about your country or community shows you care, and Mel says it can push you to act locally. On the plane she wasn't thinking about work at all, only her parents, husband, children and friends. She urges using that information to decide how you show up next.