Are You Dealing with a Narcissist? Here’s How to Spot Them | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  You can't change the weather in Chicago

  Dr. Ramani's opening takeaway is that people pour themselves into getting a narcissistic person to change, or into being 'better' so they'll act differently. That's like trying to make Chicago warm in February. Her advice is to bundle up. She describes her work as GPS for what you're dealing with, not 'you're bad, I'm good,' but 'this may not be good for me.'

• 02

  Narcissism is a personality style, not a diagnosis

  Calling someone narcissistic is like calling them stubborn or agreeable: you're naming a maladaptive, antagonistic personality style. Narcissistic personality disorder is the diagnosis, which she says affects roughly 1–4% of people and is rarely documented, since these people seldom see a clinician and insurance won't pay to treat something that doesn't change. It's her own view that the diagnosis serves little purpose. Unlike most disorders, it harms others more than the person, who is often happy, successful and even doing well in dating while life goes their way.

• 03

  Healthy personalities flex; narcissistic ones don't

  Dr. Ramani is introverted. Her best day that week was one where she spoke to no one, yet she can 'stretch' to lecture. Everyone returns to baseline under stress. The narcissistic person struggles to stretch or change because the style is built to keep them safe and satisfied with little regard for others. Agreeableness (warm, empathic, flexible, ethical) is its counterweight.

• 04

  The core traits, with deep insecurity underneath

  Low or inconsistent empathy, entitlement, arrogance, constant need for validation and admiration, need for control, and poor emotional regulation with rage when frustrated. Also thin skin, pretentiousness, superficiality and grandiose fantasy ('my perfect love story'). Underneath is unprocessed shame that people will see 'they ain't all that,' so even a joke at their expense triggers lashing out. They're driven by power, dominance, control and safety.

• 05

  Narcissists are made, not born

  If it were purely genetic it would show up in many siblings, yet one sister can be kind and another narcissistic. Her likely explanation is a possible temperamental vulnerability, such as a demanding, hard-to-soothe baby, met with constant invalidation ('can't you be more like your sister?'), no secure attachment, and trauma, chaos or neglect. Most kids from hard childhoods don't become narcissistic. They more often become anxious adults who undervalue themselves. 'A story we can tell backwards but never forwards.'

• 06

  The five warning signs

  1) Reactivity to any feedback: suggest rewriting a paragraph and they throw the paper back. 2) Oppositionality: asked to wear a mask during the pandemic or not park in a reserved spot, they refuse. 3) Performative, transactional 'thank-you-card empathy' that tunes out once you go deeper. 4) Egocentricity: your first trip abroad becomes their travelogue about Rome hotels. 5) Contempt and putting others down ('that's just the baseline Tesla'). She adds 5A, gaslighting ('you're so sensitive, have you seen a shrink?'), and 5B, entitlement such as refusing to wait in line.

• 07

  Never call out a narcissist

  A 'gotcha, I see you' moment invites rage, a smear campaign and being labeled the ungrateful one, or the narcissist. If you see it, change your behavior instead: stop being their supply and stop taking the bait. When a parent opens with 'haven't heard from you in a long time,' answer 'no, you haven't.' 'They're playing tennis; you need to play solitaire.'

• 08

  When you must attend, choose guilt or realistic expectations

  Either sit with the guilt of saying no, or go with realistic expectations. Make it 'personal bingo' and reward yourself, say with a scoop of ice cream, for every five invalidations. Decide by your True North, what's healthy for you, whether that's a camping trip over Thanksgiving or a deadline the Monday after. Guilt is for doing something wrong. Not doing what someone wants isn't wrong, though children of narcissists were trained to believe it is.