3 Things You Need to Accept About Other People | The Mel Robbins Podcast

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Truth one: if they wanted to, they would, and that applies to you too

  Mel's first rule is to judge where someone stands by their actions, not their words, because 'talk is cheap' and we all do what we feel like doing. She says it applies to whether people show up, reach out, make an effort or build healthy habits. She stresses that it also applies to you: there are people waiting on you to change. Remembering that, she says, builds humility and compassion.

• 02

  Add a caveat: if they could, they would

  Some people can't change yet. They may not recognize a trauma pattern, may be fighting depression, or may lack the support, resources or knowledge you had. Mel admits she didn't understand 'little t' trauma until her mid-40s. She used to think trauma meant combat or violent crime, not emotional abuse, distant parents, poverty or discrimination at home.

• 03

  'Should' is a signal that you've slipped into judgment

  Responding to listener Lisa, who wanted to scream 'just be better' at people who wallow, Mel calls 'I did it, so you should too' toxic positivity. 'If I did it, you can too' is inspiration; 'should' carries judgment. Her test is to ask whether you want them to change because you care and see potential, or because you feel superior. Understanding and tolerance are acts of love.

• 04

  Truth two: you can't make someone change

  'You can make them dinner, you can make them laugh,' but not change. Mel says she has wasted years trying manipulation, bribery (down to a box of Legos), motivation and inspiration. Your choices are to stop trying, or to change how you show up so you either support them or make up for the gap. The energy you spend being frustrated is energy you could put into your own life.

• 05

  Truth three: stop being mad that people aren't who you want them to be

  Mel says she will never be a detail-oriented 'Susie Q with the calendar'; her genius is creativity and connection. She and Chris have made 26 years work by being '99%' compassionate and supportive, with occasional '1%' blowups. Accepting who someone is doesn't excuse them, she adds. She still owes it to others to get the support she needs.

• 06

  Your changes don't inspire people, they confront them

  Relationships run on energy and overlapping patterns, such as shared interests, work, kids or neighborhoods. When you change, patterns shift. Start a side business and Saturday poker nights fade. Mel says becoming a loud cheerleader ('let's all go keto!') can come across as superiority, and people who feel confronted often find it easier to attack you than to look in the mirror.

• 07

  My-side bias makes lectures backfire

  Mel describes my-side bias as a cognitive blind spot no amount of intelligence or education fixes: once we pick a side, whether an ice cream flavor, a candidate or 'nothing wrong with a glass of wine,' we argue for it. She points to University of Toronto psychologist Dr. Keith Stanovich as a leading researcher on it. She cites research that only 3% of people change when change feels forced on them, versus 37% when they believe the idea is theirs.

• 08

  Loving someone means loving where they are and where they aren't

  Mel says that when you're trying to change someone, you're judging them, not loving them. Anyone you worry about, over weight, drinking, money or marriage, is almost certainly already worried, so your worry adds shame and pushes them away. Accepting people as they are 'opens the door,' and people walk toward acceptance.