The Best Advice I Wish I Knew in My 20s

KEYPOINTS

• 01

  Your 20s are the most defining decade, and often the hardest one.

  Clinical psychologist Dr. Meg Jay says the idea that your 20s are the best, most carefree years is 'empirically not true.' It's a decade of firsts and worsts: first and worst jobs, relationships and breakups. Older adults see no mortgage or kids and wonder why 20-somethings are stressed. They miss that work, love, money, brain development and emotional stability are all uncertain at the same time.

• 02

  The brain reads uncertainty as danger, so many 20-somethings live in low-level chronic stress.

  Without adult sources of security, everything can feel risky, from talking to a roommate (people text instead) to talking to a boss. Jay presents this as normal for the stage, not a personal failing, and says confidence comes from building experience.

• 03

  Life usually gets better after your 20s, if you put in the work.

  Jay tells crying clients, 'If the 20s turn out to be the best years of your life, something has gone terribly wrong.' She says studies show life gets better on average with each decade of adulthood. In 25 years of practice, no former client has told her they wish they were back in their 20s. Mel agreed, calling her own 20s her worst decade.

• 04

  Build your career one piece of 'identity capital' at a time.

  Identity capital means anything that adds value to who you are: the best job you can get even if it isn't great, a degree, a certification, a skill. You don't need to know at 24 who you'll be forever. Young adults average nine jobs by 35, and many end up in careers that didn't exist when they were in college. Treat early jobs as getting paid to learn, because the learning curve slows after your 20s.

• 05

  Doing nothing isn't safe; underemployment is sticky.

  Jay says 75% of underemployed 20-somethings are still underemployed a decade later. The good news is the other 25% get out, and people who already have a few directions to test can move quickly. Her image: 20-somethings are like planes just after takeoff, easy to correct. The hardest cases are people whose lives never took off after college.

• 06

  In college: go to class, map every deadline, and get an internship.

  Jay teaches at UVA and says parents shouldn't assume their kids attend class, since technology makes skipping easy. Going to class gives structure and can lead to relationships with professors. Put every syllabus, reading and deadline into one calendar, which most students don't do. She calls an internship one of the biggest predictors of whether college pays off: 'the best preparation for work is work.'

• 07

  Staying single through your 20s usually doesn't feel good.

  Jay cites a study that followed people from their early to late 20s. Among those who dated or hooked up but avoided commitment, 80% were unhappy with their dating lives and only 10% didn't wish they had a partner. Men who stayed single throughout their 20s showed a significant dip in self-esteem near 30.

• 08

  Decide what you want before asking 'who wants me?'

  Many young adults date by seeing who picks them. Jay compares this to grocery shopping hungry: you grab things without knowing what you came for. Her '29 conversations' cover marriage, religion, money, kids, and work after kids. You should have them with a partner, but first with yourself.

• 09

  A partner turns life into a three-legged race.

  Who you partner with shapes where you live, your job, vacations, even paint colors. When the relationship is going well, you're doing well; when it isn't, you're not. That's why Jay thinks choosing a partner deserves as much intention as choosing a career.

• 10

  Growing up in an unhappy family doesn't rule out building a happy one.

  Many clients believe 'happy families are for other people.' Jay says people who grew up with adversity are often the most motivated and the clearest about what they do and don't want. Part of the work is shifting them toward 'you get to do it differently.'

• 11

  Often what feels like social anxiety is really social uncertainty, and the fix is skills.

  'I'm worried other people don't like me' is the most commonly endorsed item on a questionnaire given at student health centers nationwide. Jay separates clinical anxiety from uncertainty, like not knowing if what you said was stupid or whether you'll have plans Saturday. Her motto is 'skills over pills': medication or not, everyone needs social and work skills, and confidence follows.